A Lover of The Light
by HedaQueenslayer
Summary: Listen bro, if you didn't start at (at least, part 2 Rewriting History), you're gonna be so lost and we can't be friends. This is Pretty Gay Things are a hot mess and everyone needs to get their shit together. Ontari is confusing. Titus continues to get what's coming to him. Jayson comes back. Things happen. Multiple worlds. Lexark becomes a thing. I continue to be extra.
1. Chapter 1

So, we meet again.

Listen bro, if you didn't start at (at least, part 2 Rewriting History), you're gonna be so lost and we can't be friends. This is Pretty Gay Things are a hot mess and everyone needs to get their shit together. Ontari is confusing. Titus continues to get what's coming to him. Jayson comes back. Things happen. Multiple worlds. Lexark becomes a thing. I continue to be extra.

Part 1: Jus Drein Jus Daun  
Part 2: Rewriting History  
Part 3: Flames, Fire and Life  
Part 4: A lover of the light

Seriously, if you're not reading this on ao3 you are missing out.

* * *

 **LA, two days ago:**

Elyza tosses and turns fitfully in her sleep. It's been longer than she can remember since she's had a dreamless sleep, or rather, a sleep without nightmares. All she knows is that it's been too long. For many, many years it was nightmares of her childhood, losing person after person, never being able to save them from unforeseen circumstances, and struggling to survive life's curveballs. There's been too many nights spent in nightmares and days spent in an equally terrifying reality.

Lately, her nightmares are a little more extravagant, more detailed. More shocking to her system, more real than her previous ones - even though she's never lived these ones. For some reason they resonate, they leave her startled and struggling to overcome the emotions that wrack her when she wakes. She's experienced them in fleeting images, in bits and pieces but tonight, something is different.

Tonight they are _more_ detailed, more impacting, toying with her emotions more than ever before and tonight, image after image, are all interrupted by the light and heat of flames.

Tonight, Elyza experiences pieces of lives she does not know, yet somehow feel familiar.

 _It started with a quaint, quiet street._

 _And her in a body that is not her own._

 _She's young. And when she looks around she sees sunflowers, picket fences, a forest and river in the distance. When she looks ahead she sees a girl, about her age with beautiful brown hair._

 _Before she can get the girl to turn around the flames shift and she changes. She's in the body of an older woman. The girl has grown into a strong and confident young woman. Elyza experiences quick glimpses and intense emotions surrounding a brunette she never sees the face of._

 _But she knows the name, as if she's said it a million times, as if she's loved her for over a hundred years._

 _Alex._

 _She experiences young love rapidly blossom into undying devotion. It's all encompassing, powerful and deep._

 _She graduates, Doctor of medicine, is proposed to and marries Alex. Gladly. A thousand times over if she had to._ _And still she sees no face._

 _Yet, she knows she's the most beautiful woman in this world, or any world. The connection is soul deep, never superficial, intensely interwoven into the deepest parts of her being._

 _She is the happiest she's ever been._

 _And then she's sick, so sick she's dying, her body wracked with illness and disease. Her wife's salty tears on her own cheek as she holds her. She's trying to be so strong, to hold them both together._

This Elyza, the true Elyza, connects with that unwavering need to be strong for the ones she loves.

 _But in this dream, though she never hears it, she knows her name is Claire._

 _Claire's life rapidly flits by. Her wife, the scientist saves her and they return home. They share experiences, they work for a common goal and do it all with loving care side by side. Soon, they feel like they are saving the world._

 _But when Elyza follows the dream, when she descends into the dark and mysterious insides of a vault, when it depicts the start of an outbreak from years and years ago she knows that is not the case._

 _She recognizes pain and heartbreak, she knows what is coming, doesn't want to see it, and cannot escape it._ _She watches a rocket fly into the sky before she is underground once more, alone, devastated and punching in a code._

Elyza learns what it feels like to end the world and then Elyza learns what it feels like to enter the flames _._

 _It's hot, it burns, and her skin simultaneously melts but remains intact. She's afraid, deathly afraid, and so unbelievably heartbroken she can almost feel it physically shattering into pieces._

Her physical body, sweat covered and heaving in rapid breaths, thrashes about. A small, now semi-conscious, part of her brain wonders if you really can die from a broken-heart. Wonders how, if she were Claire, would she overcome pain such as this.

 _And then a voice reaches out to her, calming and familiar. She's heard it before in her dreams of her past, calming her, giving her comfort and strength. Promising that someday, all her pain, her misery and heartache would end. Promising that someday she'd find a life worth living instead of merely surviving._

 _'Don't be afraid, Elyza.'_

 _And for a brief second, she listens._

But when the flames put her in a new body and the scene changes, Elyza, pushes back against the voice, the flames and the images that come flooding. She feels like she can't take anymore. A part of her begs the voice to stop, to stop pulling her to flame and pain. It doesn't listen, doesn't let her go.

 _She sees a man she's never seen before, blonde hair and blue piercing eyes reaching into her soul through their gaze, the connection is so intensely strong that she waivers. A father, a good man, one that doesn't deserve this fate; she senses what's coming, feels the desperation as her body is clutched and held back by strong motherly arms._

 _And then she watches horrified as the man is sucked into space._

 _Floated_ ; the air sucked from his lungs never to be returned. It's too much for her to take. It feels like losing her father all over again, her own memories of him filtering in, layering over the current image.

She screams in agony as her already broken heart splinters again. She fights back, her body twists and turns and her mind begins to build walls to fight against the heat of the flames and the pain of her heart. She doesn't want to see anymore, feel anymore, she can't. She's not strong enough to stay and experience this anymore, but she is strong enough to fight back.

And, she thinks, _fuck that voice_ ; she's not afraid, she's fucking terrified.

Her eyes fly open; she bolts forward, hands clutching both gun and blade as she screams. Rapidly breathing, Elyza's eyes dart around the dark room for threats and finding none. She drops her weapons. Her candle has gone out, she rushes forward out of the bed, finds her lighter and sparks the wick.

For someone who ran from the flames in her dreams, she finds she needs the comfort of the flame in reality.

When the candles light flickers in the room Elyza's breathing has not calmed, her nightclothes stick to her skin and Phoenix practically breaks down the door machete raised in a panic.

"Elyza?" her eyes find her sisters and she drops her blade.

She can't answer, she finds she hyperventilating, she barely feels Phoenix's arms encircle her. They spend the remainder of the huddled together on the floor, Pheonix stroking her damp, matted hair and Elyza clutching to her so strongly there will be bruises.

Neither of them speak until dawn.

Elyza doesn't mention that the voice followed her out of her nightmare.

* * *

 **Polis, Two days ago:**

Weakness.

Loss. Grief. Pain...

 _Love_.

This is what this is; this display of a broken woman, of a fractured mind, a tired soul and a bleeding heart.

This is what Aden saw when he quietly enters the throne room to check on Lexa like he told Clarke he would.

What he sees shakes him to his core, but what it makes him feel is confusing. A part of him wants to join her, fall to his knees and cry for his family. Another part of him wants to be strong, wants to be able to pick Lexa up, dust her off and make her see that this is not the end.

He hears her quiet whispers, mumbled and gruff, unlike Lexa at all; the only words he makes out are suffering, tired and weakness.

He swallows hard and blinks at the tears. He feels his heart swell and energy return when he hears the need and desperation in Lexa's voice.

When he hears that weakness.

It's a weakness so deeply rooted in the heart it becomes strength, and though Lexa does not feel that way now, one day, it will prove itself to her again. It's a lesson we often must learn time and time again. It's a lesson that Aden is becoming more and more familiar with.

"Gone..." He hears her whisper break and crack this time. He's never heard or seen her look so small, he wants to help, but he doesn't know what to do.

He wishes Kai was here, she'd know without thinking. She's much like Clarke in that way, where Aden is more like Lexa, more calculated, more head than heart at times. Regardless, he finds his body moving closer.

"...I imagine the pulse, can almost feel it, yet I know it is a fool's hope," she continues to herself, he assumes.

The boy slowly moves, careful to avoid looking at or stepping in the blood remaining in the room. The bodies, he avoids even more so.

He's strong, a boy on the cusp of manhood, but he is not strong enough for that.

"... _Heda_?" He calls hesitantly a few feet from her, attempting to reach the part of Lexa he has seen overcome such pain time and time again.

He sees her close her eyes sadly, fingertips still resting on the pulse of the girl, the one Lexa believes she's imagining. A small sad smile twitches at Lexa lips when she hears the boy call out her given name.

And Aden knows _Heda_ is not in reach. Not right now.

"Lexa," he tries again.

"I can hear you as if you remain Aden." She says it so quietly that Aden strains his ears to hear her. "I am glad you have not moved on yet..." She sniffs as a tear escapes, "I am _so sorry_...I never meant for this to happen… This shouldn't have happened."

No longer able to remain at this distance when he hears her words, Aden rushes closer, "Lexa. I am right here."

She still does not open her eyes. He chokes on his own tears, "Lexa! _Ai laik hir!"_ _I am here!_ He can do nothing to avoid the desperation that finds its way into his tone.

He watches multiple fresh tears roll down her cheeks from closed eyelids, he falters no longer; Aden moves instinctively, following his heart, he puts his hands on her cheeks forcing her to raise her chin.

" _Ai laik hir, Lexa!_ Situ is here! We _live_!" The despair in his voice is evident once more. He doesn't care. Let this weakness show, let it join hers; let it make them both strong again.

"I can almost feel your touch, you were always such a gentle boy. One with the mind and heart of a leader..." She says quietly leaning into his palms, "I know when I open my eyes I will see you. I will see you because I want to believe. Want you to be true. But I know I will see you like I see them all... fresh ghosts of my past, standing tall despite my failure to protect you." She sobs again and he wipes his thumbs against the tears, silently begging her to open her eyes. "Ghosts of my legacy…" she adds in a chokes breath.

" _Lexa_!" He shouts out, moving his hands to her shoulders and shaking lightly. "Snap out of it! Open your eyes! See!"

She awkwardly sucks on air through another sob and slowly opens her eyes. Aden stands and steps back abruptly, gasping as he moves, like he was burned.

Lexa's vibrant greens are dark and murky. Where once they held the forest of evergreens, now replaced with swampy waters as deep as the ocean. She looks at him and he can feel her gaze going right through him, as if he really were a ghost.

It's so believable, so haunting, that Aden finds himself gripping at his body making sure he is still there.

 _Alive_. Standing tall, not in the face Lexa's perceived failure, but _because of her_.

Standing tall, turning weakness into strength, because of her lessons, her guidance, her heart. _Her love._

But he shakes his head absently at a total loss of what to do. He stands there for what feels like days. Aden crying silently as Lexa continues to stare right through him.

And when a whole new wave of devastation wracks Lexa's body Aden flies into action; reaching the point of both frustration and devastation, he palms her cheeks forcing her to raise her head again, "Lexa! _Ai laik hir!_ _Ai gonplei ste nou odon"_ he slaps her in hopes to snap the shock from her system, _"en neit ste yun!" My fight is not over and neither is yours!_

Just as he finishes his sentence Octavia enters, shock written all over her face. Aden drops his hands, as well as his eyes, ashamedly. Lexa reaches up to rub the now red cheek, smearing more of the blood and war paint as she does so, blinking rapidly through the fog in her mind.

Octavia frowns slightly and comes beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder, "Hey, don't beat yourself up over it, look, it worked..."

He follows her gaze back to Lexa who is now staring at him fully, shock and awe on her face, but finally looking at him instead of through him.

" _Aden_?"

He drops to his knees and envelops her over situ in her lap, " _Ai laik hir_ , Lexa. _Ste yuj_. Situ is here as well. _Oso gonplei ste nou odon._ " _Our fight is not over._

Lexa looks over his should as she pulls him in and grips him with one arm, the other remaining on Situ. She glances at Octavia who nods to echo his statements, her eyes filled with her own grief and immense worry. The look Lexa doesn't understand, not fully. She has no idea that on top of the weight of what occurred in this very room and city, Raven and Clarke are walking into the proverbial bear's den in search of her daughter and the maniac that caused such heartache.

Aden pulls back and Lexa focuses on Situ's pulse, eyes wide and breath tight in her chest. "She really lives... so that means…" and this time she turns her head to the right, gaze falling right above the body of Peyton as her voice trails off.

And that is the moment _everyone_ in the room knew Lexa was seeing things that were not there.

She really was seeing ghosts.

An audible breath is sucked in the next second that terrifies the bystanders.

The whiplash they experience next is astounding. Lexa rises fluidly with Situ in her arms. She hands her to Octavia gingerly with a nod, "get her to the healers," her hand lingers just above the girls heart, just for a moment. Then she's turning, taking a final glance at Aden before she hides her face and leaves the room.

"Where is she going?" Octavia asks aloud, confusion on her face and unconscious girl held bridal style in her arms.

"Up." Aden answers solemnly, a sense of his own failure washing over him. "Here, I'll take her down. You go to Lexa. Maybe you can..." He trails off unable to finish, at a loss for what anyone but Clarke could do, and just moves his body instead. He hopes she's having better luck in search of Kai.

He takes Situ from Octavia and the woman looks at him sympathetically as he walks away.

"Aden," she stops him at the door, "you did great back there. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, I know this all feels hopeless, but you are strong, stronger than you know, and we need you to remain that way." She looks at him both tenderly as a brother and as sternly as a mentor.

He nods slowly; he pauses before leaving matching her gaze...

"Things are not hopeless, we have all the strength we need, and we just need to find it again." He looks at her with a tilt to his head for a few seconds, "you're stronger than you know too, _sis," sister,_ he adds quietly.

As he leaves on those words, Octavia is taken aback once more by the boy's resilience.

In the face of everything tonight, she barely feels like she's holding it together, how he's doing it she will never know and be forever grateful for it nonetheless.

She silently prays to the spirits that Clarke brings Kai home safely, because she knows if she does not, that loss on top of the rest will make them all crumble to ash.

* * *

Lexa climbs the ladder to the roof despite her muscles protests. She pushes through the pain, the desire for air she can't find within the tower driving her onwards.

She can feel her ghosts climbing up behind her and she attempts to move faster wishing to evade them, to distance herself from the pain.

 _Breathe_.

She feels like she can't.

When she climbs through the hatch the cool wind whips around her face. She can feel the dried blood and war paint cracking against it. As she pulls herself through she breathes in deeper than before, she smells moisture in the air and hears thunder in the distance.

And she looks over her city briefly before looking straight into the giant flame atop the tower. She feels the ghosts join her in her silent weeping. She almost feels their ghostly touches, attempting to soothe her, offering comfort she does not feel she deserves.

So all it does is bring more pain.

All it brings to mind are memories, all she has left of them. Her hopes for most of them are now dashed, soon to be ash along with their bodies. She shivers to her core and raises her chin against the onslaught of agony and fighting her tears from blinding her.

The beacon looks small tonight, dimmer. Like Lexa's heart isn't capable of fuelling it tonight...

Almost as if... Her heart wasn't here...

Lexa's eyes widen, " _Clarke_."

Along with the thousand terrible things that happened today, a thousand more things begin to flow through her brain while she tries to locate Clarke. Panic and an aching worry causing her to clench her hands into fists.

And when she finds she can't find her, when she finds she being blocked, her mind skitters before her emotions begin to toy with the knowledge.

 _Clarke has run._

 _Impossible_.

 _And yet..._

 _She's not here._

Her mind continues to play tricks with her _;_ her insecurities, her panic, and her pain and fears all coming to the forefront.

Because if Clarke has not run then something Lexa definitely would not like is happening; she can feel it in her bones, evident when she realizes her wife is keeping her from reading her emotional state along with locating her. It's insult to injury right now, one Lexa can't see beyond, not when it's combined with the burning betrayal she feels the moment she knows her wife broke her promise to never shut her out.

Though the logical part of her brain, the _Heda_ in her, tells her here must be a good reason, there had to be. That tells her Clarke would never do such a thing if she absolutely did not have to.

But Lexa can't really think logically right now.

And there's a foolish part of her that actually _blames_ Clarke for that, because once again, _Heda_ and Lexa are both reeling in emotions. In weakness that does not feel like it could ever be strength at this moment.

Clarke taught her to feel, to react unabashed, to display emotions, and now she doesn't know how to stop it. Doesn't remember how to turn it off, doesn't remember how to let _Heda_ find the strength for Lexa to operate.

Or maybe she doesn't have the strength to keep fighting anymore.

Lexa chokes back her sobs, sits on the edge of the tower's roof and remains there, alone, until Octavia finds her.

Octavia doesn't say anything. She just quietly joins Lexa on the edge and looks over the city with her. They watch the smoke rise from the rubble, the torches flickering, and the bodies moving to clean the city of the dead. They watch the enemy corpses being collected and taken outside the city walls for the larger pyre. Let them burn together, outside the walls of the city they tried to break and couldn't.

The people that fell for polis will burn within the city, just as they should.

As Lexa would.

Hours before dawn, Lexa finally cracks and leans into Octavia for a comfort she desperately needs. The warrior slings her arms around her and holds her silently, stroking her back and hair as Lexa cries.

And once again, an hour later, whiplash occurs for Octavia.

Lexa leans out of her hold suddenly and stands. "Where is Clarke?" she asks while her eyes fall onto Octavia.

Octavia looks at the city once more before answering, "She's taking care of things for you. The uh, pyres and such, she thought you deserved some time to yourself..." She half-lies and omits the full truth carefully.

"Taking care of things..." Lexa repeats quietly, her eyes falling from Octavia to her own blood covered hands.

There's a change in her voice that Octavia doesn't miss and causes her to look at her as she rushes to stand.

"Lexa-"

"No." Lexa holds up her hand, anger much easier to deal with and much easier to display, "I don't want to hear it. Clarke can come to me when she feels it _appropriate_."

"That's not it! She's simply fulfilling her duty to her people - _to you_ …"

That was the wrong thing to say.

"And I am not..." Lexa says to herself.

Octavia mentally slaps herself; she knew it was the wrong way to put it as soon as it left her mouth, she nervously glances from Lexa to the ledge, wondering if that would be how Lexa kills her.

There's a darkness washing over Lexa's features, a change that calls Octavia's mind back to the cold _Heda_ she met so long ago.

"Lexa-"

" _Enough_."

Octavia is forced to clam up and run after Lexa as she leaves her alone on the roof. The woman chases her down the hallways until Lexa stops outside her room. Without looking at her, Lexa grits out a dull, "Leave me."

Then the door slams in Octavia's face.

She huffs out a breath before turning down the hall and frowning, "Well, I guess that could have gone worse..."

It is an hour before dawn when Clarke and Raven return with a slumbering Kai and tired souls.


	2. Chapter 2

**Polis, two days later:**

Clarke sips at the cup in her hand as she stares over the city from the nightgrove. Dawn is a short ways off and the tea she's keeping hot by heating the cup with her hand is doing little to soothe her nerves. They've been shot for days. She feels fried, strung out. Super emotional and like she's barely holding it together.

Truthfully, she is barely hanging on.

Professionally, she's got that shit on lock down. That stuff is easy. Something she never thought she would be able to say. The only difficulty right now is with the Ontari, Azgeda situation – _which_ she hasn't really figured out yet. She hopes that by the time she radios the woman she has a plan. She can't wait too long, she promised communication at the very least and Ontari's threat of invading Arkadia is burning in the back of her mind; she knows she'll follow through on it.

And Clarke also knows the blame will fall with her if she does.

Relationship wise, on a personal front, she couldn't fucking tell you where they all lie exactly. They're all a little strained right now; everyone is emotionally spent and hurting.

* * *

Two days ago, the night Clarke returned with Kai and Lexa stormed out of the room she didn't chase her. Maybe she should have, but instead, she stayed with Kai, changing and washing them both before tucking the girl into her side when she got into bed. Selfishly, Clarke needed the comfort of the child, the soft breaths and beating heart, reassuring her she made at least one correct choice that night.

Clarke did not sleep; _no_ , she _could not_ sleep. She remained there, brushing her fingers through Kai's damp, clean hair and tried valiantly to stay out of her own head. She thought about Claire's brief message; she considered trying to reach out to Elyza, but she didn't know exactly how to do so and knew for sure it wouldn't be the best time. If Claire approached Elyza the way Clarke inadvertently did, she knew there would be little hope to reach her sensible side right now.

So she sat there, back to the headboard, silently avoiding her own dark thoughts by forcing herself into thinking of _literally_ anything else than what they're all experiencing. She tried to think of her father, of his warmth and comfort. She imagined his strong arms around her, keeping her safe from a nightmare she can't seem to wake up from. She thought of her wife, wished she had the strength to go after her, to bring her to bed with them. To hold her close and promise never to let her go, to use each other as the life preserver they know each other to be whenever the stormy seas get so high.

The Queen and Lionheart.

It was over an hour later when Lexa finally returned to their room. Neither leader says anything. Lexa bathes, changes and Clarke simply lifts back the furs and opens her arms so Lexa can join her and Kai in bed. Lexa lays into Clarke's other side, her arm wrapping across Clarke's stomach and over Kai protectively.

They share a collective breath soaking in the quiet comfort and shared sorrow.

Nothing was fixed. Nothing was better.

Nevertheless, nothing about the way they love each other had changed. They held each other right through what little sleep finally came to them.

The next morning, Kai finally woke, fresh eyed and before her mothers. She's given a brief moment of contentedness before the night's events came flooding back to her upon seeing the look of anguish soaked into their sleeping faces. Worst of all to Kai, Lexa's orb of protective light, dim around the three of them, unlike how Kai has ever seen it. _Her_.

When they finally wake, Lexa found Kai has snuggled in between the two of them, awake and watching over them protectively, concern etched on her face. Little was said that morning; Lexa shed no tears, though the other two in the room knew they were there behind the walls.

When Lexa left the room to attend to duty, Clarke and Kai shed the tears Lexa would not allow to herself. They cried for her, for themselves, for the fallen. Then, they dried their tears, dressed for the day and left the room hand in hand.

 _Wanheda_ and her _Smolheda_.

* * *

So here she is, sipping tea, two days later thinking back and finding things have not changed much.

The dead have yet to be burned, the constant barrage of storms with rain falling too intensely for the fires to burn even with Clarke's help. The winds and rain clearly echoing the emotions of the city in an ominous way; chilling and unnerving to even the strongest of person. She can see the pyres ready, both inside and outside of the city, now dry and waiting to carry the souls lying upon them on.

Titus was attended to; his wounds treated just enough to ensure the ability to prolong his suffering on the blood tree. He dies as a _Natrona_ today, the way he goes in complete control of Lexa; it was her wish to wait out the rains. It was her wish to make sure he was healed enough that he did not die too quickly. Clarke doesn't blame her, she agreed with her decision a hundred percent, as did everyone else. Not that Lexa cared. She didn't even spare Mira, the other _Natrona_ , and the door opener for Azgeda, the radio stealer and the spy. She'll have her own tree, her own pain to echo the city and people she betrayed.

Lexa and Clarke are still walking on eggshells around each other during the daytime and huddled close in silence at night. Words have never been needed between the two of them, but Clarke finds she wishes for them desperately now. She needs them, needs to know what's _really_ happening inside her head, but doesn't know how to broach Lexa's walls any longer. Maybe she's just telling herself that. Maybe she just doesn't want to be turned away, to be turned down, to be held at arms length once more. She knows she can't handle that pain, but honestly, _Wanheda_ is losing patience and fiddling with the sledgehammer once again.

Clarke has lowered her walls, she's allowed Lexa in, only to find that Lexa had returned the favour and blocked her out. Built her walls higher than before, curled inside herself behind them, keeping _Lexa_ safe, while _Heda_ rules in a stoic fury.

Clarke finds that she doesn't blame her for that either.

She deserves it. If she could trust the _Wanheda_ side of herself not to go too far she would do the same. It's safer that way, but that's never been Clarke's strong suit; hiding away from her feelings, running away from her pain, it never works. She learned that the hard way, not so very long ago in reality, but in what feels like a lifetime.

Clarke has spent the last two days periodically visiting the grove like this, despite the rains, going over all the things happening around her. Thinking of how to fix everything. Thinking on the things she could have handled better. Maybe even a few things she wished she had have done differently. Like approaching the Azgeda Truce subject at a later time, she had two days. She could have put it off one night; she could have waited. She _should_ have waited.

Or how blocking Lexa out when she knows the whole purpose of their ability to feel each other like that is so they make use of it. Lexa has every right to be upset over that, to block Clarke out now. Clarke broke a promise, a vow, and did so consciously. She chose to walk this path just like all the others. She thought it would be easier that night to do it that way. She was wrong.

She's not sure how to make it right. She needs Lexa to help heal her heart. She can't do that alone; they can light a million pyres, send on millions of souls to make amends for their mistakes, but without Lexa, it matters none.

Not to mention, she also needs Lexa's help with Ontari; needs her wisdom, her strength. Clarke's about to tread dangerous waters, alone, if she can't reach her wife's logical side today. She's flip flopped over the right time to try again today; can't decide if it would be better to do so before or after the pyre and blood trees. She thinks it may be better to wait until after for Lexa to be in a better frame of mind but her fear of Ontari's impatience and threat on Arkadia forces her to think the opposite would be true for their people…

She doesn't know what to do so she tries the only thing she can, she silently tries to reach out to Lexa. To feel her, to let her feel, to let her know she's not alone, to let her know she needs her. She hopes, as she stares out over the city, that today's proceedings help put them _all_ on the path to heal. They've waited long enough.

And if today solves nothing, she'll bring out the sledgehammer again, she'll pull as many ' _Clarke's'_ as she needs to…

* * *

Lexa stares out over the tower's edge as the sun just peeks out beyond the horizon. She goes few places in Polis to feel peace when she gets overwhelmed, here and the nightgrove. She'd be lying if she said she hasn't been avoiding the grove, she totally has been, Ryder has kept her informed of Clarke's movements. She tasked him on watching her back again, keeping her safe and under Lexa's protection when she cannot do it herself.

She's been avoiding Clarke as best she can, finding ways to keep herself busy until late at night when she can fall silently into her arms and off to sleep. Her endeavor has not gone unnoticed, her wife clearly seeing what Lexa is doing. Sensing her walls are up, and of course, knowing why, this morning, Clarke was gone before she woke an hour ago. Lexa can't help it, the fear to break down and never be able to build herself back up again causing her to act. She fears opening her mouth and her broken sobs never ending. She worries her frustration and pain will come out a misguided anger.

She can't trust herself right now, can't trust her reactions, but she can trust _Heda_. She trusted her when Costia was taken and she trusts her now when Lexa is at her weakest once more. She ignores that _Heda_ seems to ache for Clarke and _Wanheda's_ help as much as her.

Lexa has been so very _angry_. She's mad about Ontari's offer. Mad about Clarke going to the meeting without her, without even telling her. Angry that Ontari went so far as to use Kai as bait. Angry, perhaps childishly so, that Clarke agrees with Ontari. That they shared some vision Lexa knows she hasn't heard the whole truth about. She's angry that she can't find herself strong (or perhaps stupid) enough to trust Azgeda again; she almost lost Clarke to Nia during a truce and look what happened. She's angry that Clarke's right about it all and she is too stubborn to give in because of her fears. She's angry that she can't listen to her own advice, that fear plays a big role in the hearts of men.

For once, Lexa isn't sure she's making the right decisions. And she feels horrible, inadequate even, that Clarke stepped up while she fell to her knees.

Lexa clenches her fists at her side and narrows her eyes as her anger swells within her. She thinks more on Ontari, envisions a thousand scenarios in which she could cause her pain in turn for the pain she inflicted on them. Instead of considering the outcomes if she were to let Ontari into the coalition, Lexa thinks of all the things that tell her she shouldn't even entertain the notion.

"We can't trust her," she murmurs to herself as her mind's eye flickers to the ghosts of the children following her around. A gust of wind whips at her coat, kicking up the sash on her shoulder and Lexa breathes in deep with it.

And then, she vows for Ontari to die; the ghosts of the nightbloods standing beside her reminding her of her blistering pain and causing her thoughts to run wild.

She finds she meant what she said to Clarke, they mave have their truce, but it begins with Ontari's death. Once she falls, then Lexa will force Azgeda to kneel or they will die with their Queen. She does not believe she needs them to save the world, she tells herself. She can end their threat now, a retreat is weakness to _Azgedakru; it would have caused doubt,_ she thinks, _it could be done_ _my way._

"Ontari must fall," she seethes; anger, easier to access, so close to the surface now, easier to display without seeming weak. She's fairly certain she skipped right over the denial and bargaining stages of grief and dove headfirst into rage, depression and a begrudging acceptance.

Though death is not new to Lexa, she grieves as though it is; for these deaths, were never supposed to come while she still breathes.

And those are the many reasons why Lexa and _Heda_ have put on the mask and kept it on. Why she has pulled up her walls and crawled deep inside herself while she lets the only emotion she trusts right now, her anger, run her.

Taking another deep breath that doesn't quite satisfy, Lexa dips her head and shuts her eyes in attempts to calm herself. She feels a sudden onslaught of emotions being pressed like rolling waves against her walls, she can feel Clarke pushing to her, reaching out like so many times before in the last two days. But Lexa makes sure her walls stay intact, she doesn't let her in though she wants to desperately.

* * *

"Lexa," Clarke breathes slowly approaching behind her.

"Hello Clarke."

The greeting is not as cold as it has been, at least she actually spoke this time. It's not exactly as pleasant as it always was before when Lexa would say her name, the pain and anger she's trying to hide, evident as Lexa hesitates to turn to meet her gaze.

"It's almost time," Clarke says lightly.

"I am aware."

"Right. Right, yeah…" Clarke trails off watching her carefully. She sighs and runs a hand through her hair instead of reaching out like she wants to. "Um, you're sure you want to do the trees on the balcony?"

"Yes. The tower was their home, kept them safe through many years. They die as traitors to it, it will be good for the people to witness," Clarke hears the silent 'for me to witness'.

The blonde nods, "okay. Then it's all set up as you requested. They await your command, _Heda."_ The title comes out on instinct, a way for her to approve of the decision without having to say it out loud. It's not the only reason she has come to Lexa now, not why she interrupted her moment of solitude but now that she's here she finds her nerve waning.

She clears her throat awkwardly as Lexa meets her gaze. She sees the murky greens of her eyes staring back at her, clouded with unspent anger and frustration.

"What is it?" Lexa asks.

Clarke purses her lips, "Have you thought anymore on-"

"Yes. I have not changed my mind, Ontari must die and then Azgeda will choose their path."

"Lexa, we can do this without bloodshed! The option is there to do this now and save our people later! Please, see beyond your anger, I know you can!"

"No. She dies, Clarke." Lexa spits out. She takes a couple hurried steps closer, her eyes flashing in pain, "Don't you see what she's doing? She's trying to weave her way in, get under the radar once more, save her ass and then destroy us from within. Do you not understand why I cannot allow that? Nia almost took you from me under the guise of peace! Ontari has had you within deaths reach more than once now, I am trying to protect _you_!"

"Lexa! Our people-"

"Our people _need_ _you_ , Clarke." _I need you._ "They need the Commander of Death against the undead not a false Queen and her army! You're too trusting, it will get you killed." Lexa says raising her chin in defiance, "Ontari must die. Ontari _will_ die."

Clarke shakes her head sadly, realizing that she will not win this argument; she knows what she must do now.

"Fine," she says as softly as she can. "Ontari must die."

Lexa nods in a slight frown. Clarke blinks as Lexa leans in and kisses her forehead before leaving with her light, the only action telling Clarke for certain that _her Lexa_ is still in this shell of her wife.

Before Clarke leaves the tower's roof, she looks to the sky and breathes in deep. She gathers her strength before she flames down to Raven's shop.

* * *

"So we're really doing this?" Raven and Octavia question.

Clarke rounds on them, meeting their gaze, "I have no choice."

"You do."

"She's right, you don't have to do it this way Clarke," Raven says. "You can contact her and try to buy some more time. She must understand."

"She won't."

"Clarke?"

"She won't!" Clarke shouts, "I've been over it time and time again with you Raven. Even you worked out the math on our probability of not needing Azgeda. Lexa is blind to anything but her anger and resentment of her grief. She hasn't even tried to heal yet, she won't back down anytime soon and I don't exactly have the time to wait!"

Octavia purses her lips, "I don't like this."

"Yeah? Well, I didn't ask you," Clarke spits before she can stop herself. She sighs, "Sorry."

"Don't be. I get it. This is a choice only you can make, you know we'll back you no matter what we feel about it."

Clarke looks down at the radio and hesitates, she doesn't voice the thought that says that maybe they shouldn't. Regardless, the next second she is hitting the button to switch channels. She looks at Raven, who nods in a serious way, she can tell she feels as helpless as Clarke does.

"Just... be careful."

Clarke nods and clicks the button to call the Queen of Azgeda. No one in the room hears her silent prayers to the spirits to let her be right about this.

No one hears the silent apology to Lexa but Clarke.

* * *

The blood trees have been set on the broken balcony of the fourth floor. It is high enough for the people to witness clearly without distancing them from it because these ceremonies, like the pyres, are for everyone.

This ceremony is where some justice is found. Not all of it, but some. Lexa is disappointed that she did not get to bleed Ambrose, but she has the route to justice for BlueCliff in the back of her mind already set, she just needs to follow that path. Much like the path she must follow for Ontari, when she does, justice will truly be done.

For now, they will find justice in the deaths of Mira and Titus.

She stands in the hall waiting as Titus and Mira are dragged through the streets from the dungeon and into the tower. She palms the handle of her sword at her hip, fingertips tapping impatiently. She wears full commander garb, her ceremonial armour in place, complete with flowing sash. Her headpiece is shiny and in place, giving her strength, reminding her of her duty. Today, she feels her trinket of _purpose_ , more than ever before.

Clarke arrives minutes later along with Raven and Octavia at her flanks. Clarke wears her own headpiece, her black sash entwined with the piece of Lexa's own, flaring behind her as she approaches. Her hair is pulled back, various braids plaited within loose strands.

Lexa nods to them, seeing the obvious worry in Octavia's eyes and Raven's troubles on her face. Lexa understands, Raven must face her friend, someone she trusted and let in only to be burned and betrayed; she'll have to lay cuts to Mira. Catching her eyes Raven nods back as if to say, 'I got this', like Lexa had any doubt.

Lexa feels Clarke's tentative hand travel along her free arm, winding through her elbow and laying flat on top of her hand. The touch is tingling, even through the clothes she wears, Clarke's walls obviously not in place, her eyes, deep blue and understanding. Watching with care. Lexa releases her other hand from her sword and lightly places it atop Clarke's and her own, brushing her thumb on the back of her hand before bringing it to her lips. Clarke does the same before kissing Lexa's cheek and resting their foreheads together.

They take a moment gathering strength for the blood they are about to spill, the healing they hope to spark, and the pyres yet to come.

At the sound of the approaching footsteps Clarke draws back but leaves her hand on Lexa's, which Lexa is grateful for. They eye the twins with a slight nod as they pass in front of Titus and Mira, who follow behind them, with Ryder trailing in back. The traitors are taken into the room where Luna, Shaw, and Ziva wait with the remaining natblida. Raven and Octavia follow suit and take their places, Octavia stands with Luna and Raven moves to the balcony as _Fleimkeppa_.

Lexa and Clarke wait outside as the final preparations are made. The guilty are strapped to their trees and Raven speaks to the crowd, hushing them and requesting them to not throw the produce they wielded during the prisoner's march. She puts on a brave face as she introduces the _Heda's_ to roars and whistles proving their love and faith in them as they come into view.

Lexa raises her free hand as she feels Clarke's grip tighten on the back of her other. The crowd falls silent immediately before she opens her mouth.

She's sure when her voice comes out it will be weak and broken, but it comes out strong and true. She credits Clarke's unwavering strength at her side. Though she doesn't let her in, she keeps her walls up; she can still sense the constant wave rolling off of her anyways, can feel her Clarke standing tall beside her and proving her own undying love and faith.

" _Kru kom Polis, Kru kom kongeda-au,_ " _People of Polis, people of the coalition,_ she says in trig. " _Today, we gather to see justice done!"_ The crowd cheers as she growls it out. " _We stand tall, united in the face of those who move against us! Here we stand, bent but not broken, stronger than ever before and for the natrona's to witness Polis' rise from the ashes!"_

Clarke squeezes her hand again and Lexa glances at her briefly before looking back to the crowd. "Titus, bearer of no titles, no power and no position and Mira, daughter of Azgeda, you are proven guilty of treason! You die by the means of any who wish to take from you!"

There are gasps ringing out from the room, the blood trees and the people in the crowd. Clarke hides her confusion well behind a passive mask as Lexa ignores the confusion. She thought long and hard about this, spent hours tirelessly considering her options and found this was the most satisfying. She has chosen to allow any who wish to make their marks, to inflict their own pain on the two to do so, however they choose to.

They will all have a chance.

Lexa pulls Clarke to the side after glaring at Titus through tight jaws, " _Let them show you how deep this pain goes and how strong love can make them. Love is not weakness, love brought us here, love saved Polis."_ When her words cause Titus to waiver, to appear shaken and weak before her she then nods to Raven to proceed with the ceremony.

Raven takes a quick breath before she places her own mask on and calls forth the first to make their mark.

It's Aden, looking both angry and sad as he approaches. The hatred in his eyes evident as he swings a fist and breaks Titus's nose, causing the blood to flow on the first hit. He chooses to use no weapons, he swings violently, time and time again before he's breathing hard and his knuckles are bloody an torn. He chooses to cut Mira, slicing her cheek right through Azgeda scars that don't exist there.

The next to approach is Situ, she grits her teeth nodding to Lexa and Clarke before grinning at she slices Mira's thigh, above the knee and deep enough to make her howl, the finishes the cut with a twist to her blade inflicting as much damage and pain as she can. Then she moves to Titus, her tiny body moving forward at a violent pace. Her anger coming out as her tiny blade is driven into the palm that's tied to the post, " _that_ is for striking Kai," she whispers in his ear. She then proceeds to break his four fingers and finally his thumb, "That is for the other's that you failed."

Zora goes next, her eyes furious and full of loathing. She barely looks at Mira as she cuts her scalp with the deadly glare like her sisters plastered on her face. She has seen many battlefields, more than her fellow natblida, and still she has not seen enough blood yet. Her need for Titus' is clear to all in the room, she works on Mira quickly before moving on. Her sister stands proudly behind her as the younger girl moves to her prey. She pulls out a curved blade, given to her after her first kill from her sister; her strike is powerful and precise. She filets the skin from his hip to his knee, as if skinning a fish, and she throws the piece at his feet as he whimpers. She takes the sharp edge and then presses it in to the gaping wound, slowly, ensuring he feels every second of her touch.

As he waivers consciousness from the pain, Kai approaches after a pat on the shoulder from Luna. Kai walks briskly forward, straight for Mira and rounds to face her. "You," she sneers, "We trusted you. _Raven_ trusted you." She launches a quick punch, followed by another. Mira spits out blood from a cut lip and blinks beneath a bruise forming on her eye. She steps closer to whisper in her ear, "A friend, we called you, all you have proven is that you were not worthy of such a place. I am not sad to see you go." Kai's knife slips from out of her coat and lands deep in the side of Mira before she brings it to the left, slicing her belly to a satisfying scream. She grins darkly before glancing at Raven who's watching with fierce pride and a little sadness. She doesn't falter, she turns her attention on to Titus.

She see's that he is weaving in and out of consciousness, she growls as she moves and she slaps him to wake him up, "You can rest when you're dead!" She shouts at him like he yelled at them so many time before. She smirks when he looks at her, wild eyed and fearful when he sees the darkness in the child before him. He begins to tremble when he sees her power, her strength, driven by a ferocious love he didn't understand but is beginning to.

Kai reaches into her pockets, pulling out sleeves of torn parchment, each one once pinned to his hood unbeknownst to him. The remnants of their game held at his expense, the remnants of her brothers and sisters' smiles and joyous times they had together, she kept them all. His eyes widen when he sees them, she shuffles through them before him like a deck of cards. She puts Peyton's last one, the one Kai took the blame for, the one she was whipped for, on top of the pile before pulling her small dagger back out and using it to pin them right to his shoulder. As the blade sinks in, he howls as she grins darkly, her very own monster, her _smolheda_ , coming through in spades.

Kai leaves him like that before moving to stand beside Clarke, who places her hand on her shoulder and draws her in a little closer. Lexa glances at her and gives her a brief nod and small smile. She's proud of her, of all of them.

And the adults all move to take their turns.

Raven cuts Mira's palms, finding herself unable to handle doing much else to someone she once saw as a friend but making sure the thief and traitor feels her anger. Even in betrayal, she can't find the sense in inflicting much pain on her, she doesn't think it will help; at least it won't help her. Octavia does not follow that sense of thought. Octavia snaps both of her elbows. The rest in the room take their own cuts one by one after her.

Titus is served a much crueler fate. The pain inflicted on him is both necessary feeling and quite revealing to his true character. No one takes it lightly on him. Octavia snaps his knee before pulling a knife and removing the kneecap from its home. Raven fucking whipped out a handgun and shot him in the gut, ensuring his suffering will be even worse. Making sure Skaikru makes its mark and pressing into the wound with her hand with a dark smile before slapping the bloody palm across his face.

When it is Clarke and Lexa's turn they move together as a unit. They request the prisoners to be taken down from their posts as they approach. Working as a silent team, Clarke burns white-hot flames on Mira's thief hands while Lexa removes her traitorous tongue, making sure to keep her alive a little longer. They move to Titus, Clarke striking first, a flaming palm reaching up and gripping his throat, burning the flesh beneath her fingers. She holds him there, his back to the people of Polis, as Lexa moves to stand before him. She speaks, leaning in so that only Clarke and Titus can hear her, "You once warned me of _Wanheda's_ power, of what Clarke's presence would do to me. You were blind then" she pops her knife into his eye socket, removing each one swiftly, "and you are blind now."

She throws the now useless organs into the city before glancing at Clarke, still holding Titus, and nodding at Ryder who holds Mira. "Let the people of Polis have the rest," she turns as Clarke flings Titus backwards off the balcony and Ryder kicks Mira off unceremoniously.

As if it were as easy as brushing off her hands, Lexa just walks out of the room and she doesn't look back. She's not done yet, but she's on her way. Clarke and the Natblida follow her silently as they progress through the tower to relocate at the pyres.

The bodies of Titus and Mira are dragged out to the enemies pyre outside the city walls hurriedly before the burnings take place. Today, murder and murdered will not be burned together. The enemy does not deserve to burn within the city they tried to destroy. Let them find new life on their own. No one gathers there, just Lexa and Clarke. There are no words spoken to send them off, just ' _yu gonplei ste odon'_ from each of them before they take Clarke's flames back into the city.

Inside the city walls, the crowd does not take long to gather. The warriors and protectors of the city will burn first, in larger pyres while the natblida all have their own pyre to themselves, as fitting for their station, for their missed futures as leaders. As is their birthright and bloodright demands.

Silence hangs around the gathered as they prepare to say their final goodbyes. The air is heavy with loss and visible on all present. Lexa steps up with Clarke onto the raised platform, a traditional torch held high in each of their right hands.

They thank the fallen out loud; thank them for their sacrifice and strength in the face of evil. They wish them luck on their journeys and slowly lean in to light each fire.

As the fires begin to rise into the morning sunlight, the smoke billowing high as if carrying their spirits with it the crowd watches silently as Lexa speaks again, " _Hofli yu na hon bida chilnes op ona yu brana sonraun." May you find peace in your new life._

" _Hofli yu na hon bida chilnes op ona yu brana sonraun,"_ Clarke repeats. _"Yu na ge mema we." You will be missed_ , she promises.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa remain at the pyres long after the crowd disperses. They are watched keenly by their loved ones, who remain in the distance or periodically coming back to check on them between their duties. They stand hand in hand until evening begins to fall and Lexa finally speaks.

"Thank you, Clarke."

Clarke turns her head to look at her, confused.

"This could not have been easy for you, standing by my side even though we don't agree on our path from here," Lexa continues.

Clarke shakes her head slightly, "Lexa our path leads forward, _together._ It always has."

Lexa sighs and looks at her now, "I will never condone what you are proposing. We will never agree on Ontari and Azgeda unless you come to my side of that argument. She has to die, Clarke. I will not rest until she does so. I can't risk it." _I can't risk you,_ Clarke hears between her words.

Clarke reaches out and strokes her cheek softly, "We'll figure something out." She hides the fact that she's already walking both paths tumultuously; she hides her guilt. "Let's just worry about healing for now. We can worry about her later. Tonight, let's just be." Clarke pulls Lexa in close and holds her tight as Lexa's arms weave around her back.

She strokes her hand on the back of her head softly murmuring her love in her wife's ear before swallowing and pulling back to look at her. "Lexa, please. Let me in?"

She wants to take it back as soon as she says it. Lexa immediately bites her lip before setting her jaw. Clarke backpedals, "Forget I said that. I get it; you don't have to, just know I'm here okay. Whenever you're ready." She swallows reaching up to brush Lexa's cheek with her thumb tenderly, "And I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and handle it differently, I'm not even going to try and defend my actions… I'm just, _so sorry_ , I never meant to hurt you like this. To add to any of this…to make everything harder…" she trails off wincing at how utterly pathetic that sounded.

Lexa sighs; running her hands along Clarke's arms soothingly, "shhh, _niron._ I understand. I just… I need time."

Clarke nods, watching her closely. She decides to lower the sledgehammer and trust Lexa's words. She decides to give her time. She's not sure how much time they have to spare, but she pledges as fiercely as Lexa has vowed to kill Ontari, that she will give her as much as she can.

Again, nothing is really fixed, nothing feels completely better, but that night, when they crawl into bed together they sleep a little more soundly. With entwined limbs and matching rhythms of their hearts, foreheads pressed together and Lexa's light, a little brighter around them, the candles flames a little higher than normal.

Things aren't perfect, but they're better.


	3. Chapter 3

About two weeks later, things in Polis are calming down. Slowly life is beginning to return to normal. The people of Polis and the clans of the coalition have really come together to raise the Capitol back up to its former glory and give aid to the villages ravaged by the Bears. They've sent masons, builders, manpower and goods to help in whichever way they can. Slowly, the city is healing.

Perhaps, even a little faster than some of its people.

Definitely faster than Lexa, who remains hidden behind her walls, keeping everyone at arms length despite their efforts to get close. She's made some progress, not near enough for her loved one's liking.

But grief cannot be rushed.

And Lexa's grief is heavily weighing on her. No longer seeing the ghosts of the children, she finds herself feeling slightly lost. Many of those children were innocent, un-bloodied from war or battle; children she helped raise from the time many of them could barely walk. Kids she watched grow, helped mould into potential leaders and good people, only to see them perish before their time.

They say no parent should have to bury or burn their child. Lexa has now burned five.

It's something that sinks in with Clarke, as she too considers the natblida a part of her with or without the black blood tie. Clarke understands, or likes to think she understands, Lexa's process and purpose right now. She's grieving. She's also angry and hurt with the disagreement and moves Clarke made behind her back and because of this, Clarke is trying not to push too hard or rush Lexa. And yes, perhaps she does that in effort to alleviate some guilt she has for continuing to make such moves.

She desperately hopes that she's right in thinking this is her only way to ensure her people, who she now considers the 'living' versus clans of coalition, will survive against the walking dead. Clarke has learned a lot since coming crashing to Earth, she's learned a lot about herself and her heart, she's learned a lot about human nature and even more than she ever wanted to know about life on the ground. What she has learned recently, from experiencing tragedy after tragedy throughout the many lives her soul has lived, is that doing evil, being evil, and doing good or being good, is not so black and white. It's not cut and dry all the time, which is why she stands by her decision on Ontari.

Clarke has destroyed two entire civilizations in this lifetime alone, she does not wish to add to that. She has experienced ending the world now through meeting Claire in the veil and knows if she does not make her moves to stop the undead from rising, she will be forced into the same position. She would be forced to repeat her soul's deepest regret.

Commander of Death, that's what they call her, that's who she is, and she'll be damned if she allows that to mean she can't control granting life as much as ending it.

She can do both.

Clarke hasn't forgotten the added pressure of Elyza's world, the other world now infected, but right now, she sort of has a priority to her own world. She hasn't heard from Claire, hasn't tried to reach out in her dreams, she knows why, knows where she is, and she's put her trust in Claire to keep watch over Elyza. She's concerned of course, but she has more pressing concerns right now.

This morning, it is most definitely her wife. It's been a long two weeks and Clarke is beginning to get worn out with worry.

Lexa hasn't said a word this morning. She sits quietly pushing her breakfast sausages around her plate with her fork, her head resting in her other hand. She resembles a sad puppy and Clarke's having a hard time ignoring it. She wants to give her time, but damnit, it's been two straight weeks of this. She misses the soft smiles, the hidden glances, the cocky smirks, and the secret smile that's only for her. She misses her bright green eyes staring out at her alight with energy.

She'd give anything to hear her laugh.

Clarke purses her lips as she swallows her tea. They eat alone in their chambers this morning, like the week before, Lexa claiming to need to spend more time with Clarke in private even though they speak little. Lexa eats little. Clarke watches her a lot. Lexa rarely looks back. Clarke would be lying to herself if she said she wasn't growing a little impatient, a little more bruised by it as it continues every day.

"So, do you think you will be coming to training this morning?" Clarke says in a small voice. When Lexa doesn't answer, or even acknowledge she said anything at all, Clarke lays it on a little thick. "The kids have been asking about you..."

"I am not sure I have the time today," Lexa says after a moment more of silence, lowering her hands to the table, she finally raises her eyes to meet Clarke's.

"You said that yesterday and Raven found you on the roof, said you'd been there for four hours," Clarke says softly, her hand slowly creeping across the table towards Lexa's. Her eyes asking a silent question before she makes contact with her hands, finding consent, she folds her hands over Lexa's.

"Please _, ai niron_ , talk to me?" She doesn't even try to prevent the sound of begging leaving her lips.

Lexa heaves in a shaky breath, the tears brimming behind her mask, Lexa making herself seen for only a second before she's gone. "I can't."

"Yes. You can. You just keep choosing not to!" Clarke shouts before she can stop herself, her frustration over the last two weeks coming to the surface, she stands up, pulling her hands back in the process. "You're keeping everyone at arms length Lexa. We all see it, everyone who knows the true you feels it. You're trying to protect yourself and I get that, this pain sucks, it hurts like nothing else, but you need to realize that you're not the only one feeling it! You are not alone!"

Clarke's eyes widen at the end of her shout, surprised at herself, she tenses up, wondering if she made a huge mistake. _Again_.

Lexa doesn't respond, she looks away.

Clarke tries a different approach trying to grasp at anything to get Lexa speaking. "Have you decided what we are to do about Bluecliff? Now that Ambrose is gone and their invaders defeated, do you think they will be a problem?"

Lexa clenches her jaw, still avoiding Clarke's eyes. "Yes. Ambrose has a child, a natblida babe."

Clarke's mouth drops open unsure of where Lexa is headed with this. She's slightly shocked when her mind, knowing the dark gloom hanging over Lexa, considers if Lexa will invade Bluecliff to kill the babe in the name of justice as well as to keep Bluecliff from attempting any further moves on the throne. She shakes her head, "Lexa, it's just a baby."

Lexa's eyes dart to Clarke's dangerously, "A baby that will grow into a man, a baby that will grow to know the story of his father, a baby that may grow to have the same ambitions, one that may grow to seek vengeance."

Clarke furrows her brow, Lexa's not wrong, of course she isn't, actually, what she says makes a lot of sense, but Clarke wonders how she plans to deal with this if not death. She worries that in her wife's blinding grief she will make a poor decision, one that she will grow to regret.

"You can't kill him!"

Lexa's eyes widen and her mouth drops in shock. She gathers herself quickly, slamming her hands on the table in tight fists, " _kill him?_ You think I plan to kill a _baby,_ Clarke?"

"No. I'm sorry… I just…" She doesn't know how to take it back; she's disappointed in herself for blurting it out, for being irrational and emotional. The hurt in Lexa's voice choking her words in throat, the look of disappointment from Lexa breaking her down, and Clarke doesn't blame her. She hates herself for saying it out loud; she knows better, she _knows_ Lexa and _Heda_ would _never_ after hearing it out loud. Desperation and sorrow or not, she would _never-_

"I plan to _take_ the baby to Polis, to bring him into the fold, to _allow_ him his birthright to his blood. A child of bluecliff, living in the city, already being trained to perhaps one day rule as _Heda,_ will be an awfully big deterrent for them to try for the throne again."

Clarke nods sadly; realizing that was the second place her head had gone when Lexa mentioned the child, wishing she had said that instead of what she had… For the strong mind she supposedly has, she sure can't control the word vomit she keeps spewing…

"Get out, Clarke," Lexa sighs and stands abruptly, roughly pushing her chair back behind her.

"Lexa, wait, I didn't mean that. Not really, I know you would never! I just have no idea what's going on in your head because you won't tell me! You hardly speak to any of us, you're obviously sad and angry-" it's a weak defense, one she doesn't even feel she deserves to be saying, but she does it anyways.

"Out! Leave me! _Out_! Get out!"

"Lexa you don't mean that, _beja_ , we never leave it this way, not in anger."

"I'm not angry Clarke. I'm saddened, filled with sorrow and loss; blinded. _Weak_! Hurt. Bleeding from a wound I don't know how to find. I am not angry Clarke… I am resentful."

Clarke stumbles back in her chair, the words a blow she did not expect. "Resentful…" Clarke repeats slowly, the word leaving her mouth with a bitter aftertaste. She swallows it, "as in you _resent me_."

Lexa doesn't respond and Clarke gets angry, shooting out of her own chair. Knowing this is not all about what she just said about the baby; she wants to hear her say it, despite knowing it may crush her, "Why? Why Lexa?"

"Why Clarke? _Why_?" She parrots in a sneer stepping into Clarke and forcing her back, "look at me! You made me feel and now I feel too much! I can't get out of it; I need to not feel it, to shut it out! You did this to me!"

Clarkes backs up a few paces, and her mouth snaps shut as if she was slapped, the words stinging her very soul. She wants to fight back, to make Lexa see past the pain, to fight her into taking back her words. She knows deep down she doesn't mean them, but just like Clarke hurt her in her assumption, Lexa has said something that she may not be able to take back.

They remain, locked in hurt gazes, both by what was said and what they heard. Then, Clarke finds she's already forgiven her for her outburst, for her misguided anger.

She doesn't know that in that moment, Lexa has done the same about her notion about Lexa's plan for the babe. She doesn't know that what Clarke suggested Lexa would do was something that she _had_ considered the morning following the massacre in particular bitter and vengeful moment.

She swallows in attempt to compose herself, she straightens her shoulders, and her mind switching from loved one to _fleimkeppa_ and _Wanheda_ in hopes to bring them forward instead of keep pushing them back. She raises her head powerfully to meet Lexa's gaze.

"If you do nothing else today, consider this, those kids out there are already here, in a position you know better than anyone." It's a subtle poke at her role as _Heda_ , a reminder of her duty to mentor the young natblida, and a reminder that _they_ are suffering too. If the tiny spark she saw in Lexa's eye was any indication, she may have finally cracked her fucking wall, and at the very least, made her think about her actions.

Clarke steps a little closer, she runs the back of her knuckles along Lexa's cheek and down her jaw softly. Tenderly finding her wife's cloudy eyes, " _hodnes ste nou kwelnes, Lexa._ You make me believe that _."_ _Love is not weakness. "Mema, disha pein ste nou y'un kom beir." Remember, this pain is not your own to bear._

She turns and heads for the door, stopping before she exits she turns around to find Lexa's eyes on her, brow now furrowed in thought, caught in Clarke's message, unprepared for what comes next.

"You can't run away from who you are Lexa."

* * *

A strange wave of purpose washes over Lexa as she decides to make the long walk to the training ground, Clarke's words echoing in her head with every step. Emboldening her on her walk, giving her strength to peek out behind her walls.

Lexa finds Clarke in the nightgrove with the natblida. Her voice trails off as Lexa comes into view during her instruction and a warm smile takes over her face. It looks as though simply Lexa's appearance has lifted her spirits, and pride shines behind her eyes. Lexa missed that look of love and respect. She missed that smile. She's missed Clarke.

Her words sunk in this morning. Found their way through her walls and struck a chord in her heart. Maybe Lexa was beginning to tire from drowning in her own misery alone, perhaps she was tired of treading waters too stormy and rough for her to handle alone, maybe she needed that life preserver now. Maybe she was beginning to understand again that she's not alone, not even in agonizing pain and sorrow.

Clarke was right; she can't keep avoiding everyone like she has been. She can't keep running off to the tower roof to foolishly attempt to hide from pain that follows her everywhere. It must hurt Clarke just as much as it does her to see fewer numbers of natblida, but she bears that pain for the good of her charges. Clarke understands her heart and feelings at a greater capacity than Lexa. Clarke knows and accepts pain as much as she accepts happiness and love because often they begin in the same place. Lexa, only recently learned to open her heart again, and loved so fiercely that she forgot how bad the pain that could come with it could be.

It simply caught her off guard.

Then, Clarke's final words to her this morning caught her off guard once more, completely unprepared. She once said the very thing to Clarke in a tent in the face of Mount Weather; she never expected to hear it back from her. Never expected to be in this position where she needed to be reminded of who she is and who she was _meant_ to be.

Never expected to be in a position where she wasn't truly _alone_.

Lexa clears her throat with a subtle nod to Clarke, a small smile twitching at her lip, "Please, continue."

Clarke's smile widens for a brief moment before falling back onto her topic of discussion with the kids, one her conversation with Lexa this morning inspired. Lexa moves to the left to stand beside Raven, who grins at her, happy to see a version of Lexa she somewhat recognizes.

"As I was saying," Clarke says with a little more emotion than before, "As leaders you will face many challenges. Your spirits will be dampened, beaten and bloodied, they already have been. You will be tested more times than you can imagine, more times than you deserve. Yet here we all stand, _together_ , as one. You will not give up, you have been given your bloodright, _your_ _birthright_ , because you have been _chosen_ , because the spirits know you to be strong enough to bear whatever life throws at you." She turns her head, making contact with each one of them.

"Things seem bleak, things seem dark and gloomy, like there's no end in sight but you must believe you will find a way. You lean on those around you, the ones whom you trust and love; you find a way to continue on. That's the way of life on the ground, you build the world and it falls apart. It doesn't mean you stop building. You learn from your mistakes. You keep growing; you build stronger foundations each time they crack. Each stumble leads to your next breakthrough. You find your light and work every second of every day to keep it burning bright…" She ends her talk with her eyes locked on Lexa's. A silent conversation continuing on in the lingering looks, the murky waters starting to slowly clear.

Raven claps her hands twice, "Alright, enough talk. We've patched our wounds, today we dust ourselves off, and we fight through our pain. _Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim._ Partner up!" _Get knocked down, get back up._

They spend over two hours in the grove going over defensive skills. Lexa gets involved, a small smirk finally twitching again at the corner of her lips as she teaches her students. Clarke, Raven and Octavia back off and let her work with each one, let her get back to her roots, back to what always gave her joy.

It's a sight that seems to bring new life to all of them, it's fresh air cleansing their lungs, and it's a beat that their hearts were missing. Clarke holds back the first happy tears she's shed since she got Kai back as Lexa catches her fond looks in subtle glances, forgiveness and thanks etched in the silence between them.

By lunch, Lexa is speaking more freely, feeling lighter than she has in two weeks. It's bittersweet, knowing there are missing faces from the group, but Lexa has finally gotten back up after getting knocked down.

All because of Clarke.

* * *

That evening, Lexa requests Clarke's presence after dinner in their quarters. It is a second before Clarke enters the space after saying goodnight to the natblida that she feels Lexa reaching for her through the door. She shuts her eyes for a moment allowing her wife's emotions and love encompass her before sinking in and touching her heart. She missed it desperately and can't stop the tear that rolls down her cheek. She takes a shaky, grateful, emotionally charged breath and opens to the door to find the room lit with soft flickering candlelight and a soothing aroma wafting from the bathroom.

There, she finds Lexa, robed and putting the final touches, flower pedals in the steaming bath she's drawn. She smiles softly when she sees Clarke standing in the doorway gazing at her with tender affection. It's silent for a moment before Clarke cross the threshold and lands in Lexa's arms pulling her body as close as she can manage and hiding her nose in the crook of her wife's neck.

"I thought I lost you," Clarke murmurs knowing that Lexa has lowered the walls and crawled out of her shell, let _Heda_ finally find some rest.

Lexa holds her just as tightly, her own nose burying itself in Clarke's hair and breathing deep. "I'm sorry, Clarke. I'm here. I'm back."

Clarke simply nods against her, sniffling as she does so. Finally, they separate and Lexa offers the bath with a gesture of her hand, " _Beja_ , join me?"

Clarke nods through soft eyes, the alternative never crossing her mind, "Of course."

Lexa helps Clarke remove her clothes before they both get in the bath, Clarke leaning back into Lexa's chest. For a long time, no bathing is actually done; it's simply the two of them enjoying the soft silence and presence of each other. The skin-to-skin contact is a therapy like no other, a closeness that finds its way to their various hidden wounds and stitching them closed.

And when Clarke finally rises from the tub, her hand coming out to help Lexa rise, like so many times before, things are finally beginning to feel a little more right with the world. They leave little space between them as they dry off and head to the bedroom. Clarke crawling under the furs and turning on her right side to face Lexa as she mimics her position.

Their hands entwine between them as the others find their way to each other's bodies. Lexa's hand trailing Clarke's soft curves, drawing indescribable patters on her side. Clarke's hand sparking it's way along Lexa's toned arm and over her shoulder to play with the baby hairs on her neck.

Hours pass before either of them moves any more than that and it is Lexa that moves first. Her hand travels up Clarke's back, weaving into her hair and pulling their heads together. She kisses her forehead, lingering her lips in a loving way before tilting her head and finding waiting, pliable lips.

From there, passion takes over. A need they both have felt for days, the desire to feel anything but what they had been for so many days before, and a love that continues to burn in the face of constant storms driving them forward and running away with them. In this bed, in this room at the top of the tower, they become lost in each other. No one exists outside this world, there is no Heda, no Wanheda, no duty or people to care for other then themselves.

 _Just houmons_ reintroducing themselves. Rising from the ashes to soar high above the storm clouds, _together_.

Finding _home_ again.


	4. Chapter 4

The other night proved to be healing to both Clarke and Lexa; things are much better. They are finally speaking to each other a little more freely, a less guarded than before.

Lexa's slowly coming out of her shell again; attending lessons and training with the natblida regularly, Heda and Lexa becoming their balanced self once more.

The only thing is, she still feels off; she feels an odd sense of foreboding that refuses to leave her. She considers it being due to the tasks she set before herself that she has yet to complete, the most prominent being killing Ontari.

Sometimes, on the tower roof meditating she will find herself trying to distance herself from the situation completely, if only to find an escape, to find a little silence from her own mind. The constant threats, the stress, and the exhaustion are also causing her mind not to rest when she sleeps and she hasn't told anyone exactly what kind of dreams plague her.

For many nights, after the city was attacked, it was nightmarish memories of loss. And then, since Clarke and Lexa reconciled and found their way back to each other, as soon as she felt the littlest bit lighter, the dreams shifted.

Lexa wakes at odd times during the nights, forcing herself to escape her newfound nightmares. Nightmares from memories she's never experienced before, touched by a life she knows nothing about, doesn't recognize in the slightest. She wakes, only to fall back into the dream minutes later, when she can fall back to sleep at all that is.

Lexa's experienced many dream memories before, some through the commanders before her, and of course through Alex, but these feel different in a way she isn't quite sure how to articulate. It seems she falls asleep with Clarke, only for her mind to wander elsewhere, to connect to someone she knows relatively nothing about, other than what she learns in glimpses. It's always brief, she's never there for long, but travels in and out. Her dream memories before seemed to make sense, to take her on a path to understanding, last longer, but these ones, these do nothing of the sort. They're a jumbled mess, no timeline to follow, no rules to the images she's experiencing and never happening all in one shot, no, to make matters better, she falls in and out of the images to a blank black space multiple times throughout a night.

If it weren't for the intense emotions the dreams pull from her she would consider a large part of these nightmares to be the product of her worrisome imagination, which only makes this all the more confusing to her. Though she doesn't understand, she feels the emotions like they are her own. At the very least, she can empathize with the pain and fear she's experiencing. Can empathize with the need for understanding, for comfort, and for human contact.

That she understands very well.

But It is one particular evening of such nightmares that Lexa can't take it anymore. One particular evening where she refuses to be taken any further, to lose what little control she feels she has left.

One evening, where she and heda fight back.

She forces herself to get a grip, to try and steer the direction of the dream to pull her mind back. Slowly, she begins to feel the separation; feels her vision become like a tunnel until all around her is black except for a light at the end and the silhouette of a young woman within it.

Lexa begins to look around wildly for any other markers other than the woman and the light. She begins to hear strange music, a song she's never heard before, a song that she finds herself drawing comfort from regardless. She looks back to the woman, who also seems to be experiencing and doing the same thing.

Even from this distance, Lexa can sense her confusion, and it makes her pause in thought.

If she is as confused as Lexa, she wasn't the one controlling this, and if she wasn't calling out to Lexa then Lexa must have been calling out to her. But why? And how? How do you call to someone you don't even know exists, how is she able to contact someone, through whatever means, without knowing who they even are...

Lexa tries to call out to her just as a gust of wind steals her voice. She braces against the force of the wind before trying to push forwards. She bows her head, raises her left arm in front of her face and pushes onwards. She struggles for every inch.

The wind quickens and pushes harder against her the farther she gets. It drowns out the whispers and music and she blinks against her now very dry eye lids. She peeks out periodically behind her arm to find the woman getting closer, mirroring her movements.

Every step they take the wind pushes harder; inexplicably, instead of sucking the woman towards her, it seems to be pushing against her as well. Lexa doesn't understand but refuses to leave her, refuses to leave not knowing at least something new, to understand even in the littlest bit.

Lexa shouts again, her voice seemingly being thrown back at her as it echoes in her ears, "Who are you?" And then she surprises herself, worrying in a way you would for someone you cared for all your life, "Are you okay?"

She feels the pull of the woman and the push of the wind, like she's not supposed to be here, but has to be.

It gets more forceful, more insistent that she leave the closer they get, she peeks out again and her eyes widen. She stops moving the same very instant the wind stops its violent push; Lexa reacts very little, her confusion fading minutely as she peers upon the terrified face of herself, only a few years younger and wearing modern clothes.

Alternatively, the other her, is thrown off by just about everything. She, most definitely, reacts.

Lexa sees it rapidly take over her features; it's in the way her eyes widen and lock on her face before taking in the form before her in entirety. Her mouth drops and she loses her words as a fresh fear steals her voice. The younger woman doesn't understand, has clearly never experienced something like this, it is evident in her mannerisms. As her panic floods her, Lexa finds she is reaching out in hopes to ground the both of them, but before she can touch her arm the woman pulls back.

"Wait!" Lexa shouts out before she can stop herself. "Please! I need to know who you are!" She rushes forward just as the wind picks up again and the other her stumbles away out of her reach. Lexa tries to brace against the wind just as the surroundings begin to shake violently. She finds she's being pushed backwards more forcefully than before; she grits her teeth and forces herself forwards again, chasing after the woman who keeps trying to stagger away in fear as she too is being sucked back in the direction she came.

In her stubborn determination Lexa pushes on, following the other her, needing to know what life she is from, why she's found her now, why she seems as confused as Lexa in this situation.

The only conclusion Lexa can make at the moment is that this woman lives; this is not a past life she's touched or been touched by, this is different.

Before, her other lives, past lives, drove her dreams, they were the ones who contacted her, but this seems different. It's never occurred like this, seemingly by accident. The other her doesn't seem to know her; seems afraid of seeing her even. It is abundantly clear that she had little to do with this contact. Lexa doesn't understand. She calls out again before the woman begins to run full tilt towards the light. Just as she disappears through it, Lexa lets out a startled scream as she is violently pulled backwards in the opposite direction and out of the tunnel.

She wakes, bolting upright in bed with a now rough strangled scream; part frustration, part shock. She pants heavily as the strong, warm arms immediately encompass her and soft hands stroke her hair and back in hopes to soothe her.

"Clarke," Lexa shudders out, trying to snap out of it. Coming home, finding her centre with her wife again.

"Lexa?" Clarke says, both concerned and cooing, in a way only she can, "You're okay. I'm here. You're safe."

Lexa sinks into Clarke's embrace, her clammy skin slightly sticking against Clarke's warm body. She slowly catches her breath before she can even try to open her eyes. Simply feeling grounded again, safe in Clarke's arms is all she needs. Clarke doesn't try to push anything out of her, she just patiently waits for her wife to come back to reality.

This isn't the first time this has happened after all. It's a common occurrence for the both of them, just occasionally with them each in opposite rolls.

Finally, Lexa pulls back, rises from the bed wordlessly and heads to the bathroom. She washes and changes into fresh clothes, now clothed for the day even though the sun has yet to rise because she knows she will not succumb to sleep again tonight.

When she leaves the bathroom, she finds a few candles lit on the bedside tables and Clarke, puffy eyed and sitting cross-legged on the bed, watching her with concern.

"Better?" She asks lightly.

Lexa nods slowly and sighs, "Some." She comes to the side of the bed and strokes Clarke's cheek before kissing her forehead and bringing her body closer. Clarke remains sitting, only now leaning forward slightly to lay her head on Lexa's chest, instantly sighing when she hears the now steady rhythm of her heart has returned.

"Who was it?" Clarke's muffled question comes out. Obviously picking up on Lexa's emotions and knowing this wasn't as simple as a nightmare. Knowing, to cause this reaction, the intensity of the flux of feelings alone, had to be caused by something more.

"I'm not exactly sure..." Is all Lexa can offer. She sighs, "I'm still trying to make sense of it." She begins to explain what she experienced to her wife, the wind, the tunnel, the emotions Clarke could feel coming off of her, and finally, the other her. "I think… I think I was the one who reached out to her. She didn't seem to understand what was happening either."

"You spoke to her?"

"No, not really. I tried to but she never answered, she ran. Perhaps, I am a coward in another life."

Clarke snorts and leans back to look at her skeptically, her thumbs caressing Lexa's lower back, "No. You could never be a coward." She says it so firmly, so heavy in belief, that Lexa doesn't argue with her, finds she hears the double meaning whether Clarke meant it that way or not, she hears the omitted 'in any life.' Lexa gives Clarke a small smile before kissing her head in silent thanks.

"When you reach out to Elyza what is it like?" Lexa asks coming to sit beside Clarke again.

Clarke looks off into the candles flame, she is silent a few moments before she figures out how to answer. "At first, it's black, I can't see anything. Then, it's emotions that pull me towards her, like I can locate her, really feel her almost. Then, it's silence before I see a bright light and blink to look out of her eyes…or her mind…I'm not really certain on that part."

Lexa is silent for a moment in thought, brow furrowed. what Clarke describes is somewhat like her own experience tonight, only Clarke's was more controlled. She tilts her head as she looks at her wife, "Clarke, I think I reached the me from Elyza's world."

"How?" Clarke's brows knit together, "We don't know anything about her. I was only able to find Elyza after I met Claire in the veil."

Lexa nods, "I know. That part I do not understand."

"It started the other night didn't it?" Clarke says squeezing her hand.

"Yes. Only tonight was different, I was continuously moving in and out of that void over the last few nights, I grew frustrated and…" she pauses reassessing the situation briefly, "it's almost as if I pulled the both of us into the black void, the tunnel," she tries to explain. Her voice is thick with thought and wonderment when she finishes.

Clarke lets out a long-winded breath through her lips, unsure where to go from here. Confused of how Lexa found this other her, she thinks she may need to talk with, "Claire," Clarke says out loud. "She may be able to help make sense of it."

Lexa nods slowly, "You can try later, Clarke. For now, rest, I know you have not had a restful sleep either. We have a long day ahead. There will be time."

"Lexa," Clarke says softly, surely about to insist they do this now. Lexa hushes her with a finger to her lips, "Rest niron, I'm okay. I just need some air."

Clarke looks at her for a few moments before nodding and letting Lexa tuck her in again in the bed. After a lingering kiss to her lips, Lexa heads for the door. Clarke's slowly fading into a light slumber when she looks back and Lexa whispers her promise, "I'll see you for breakfast," she smiles again before leaving the room.

After she leaves, she doesn't know that Clarke rises and pulls the radio out to wait for the hour she told Ontari she'd contact her this morning. Lexa doesn't see her Brow furrowed in thought, heart a little heavy again with worry, and guilt written all over her posture.

* * *

Lexa walks the dimly lit halls; this time, instead of going up, she is heading down the tower towards the kitchens where she's sure the cooks are already awake and baking breads for the day. Before she can reach them however, she begins to hear a rush of sound that draws her attention. She follows the sound to find the source being music blared from the mechanics workshop.

She tilts her head with a small smile as she opens the door, she hears raven's voice singing along to the lyrics. It would seem Raven is also experiencing a little trouble with sleeping through the night.

Lexa cringes against the bass drumming in her ears and closes the distance to the Rover; she kicks at the pair of legs that are hanging out from under the rig. Lexa hears a dull thud and then a slur of curses as Raven is pulling herself out from under it. She appears on her rolling board, rubbing her head looking a little miffed.

She can clearly hear the mechanics words but feigns that she can't over the raging music from the Rover; she raises her hands apologetically gesturing to the vehicle. Raven cocks her brow before hitting a switch on the remote in her pocket.

"I hope you have a good reason for that," Raven says sternly, "I love that song," she ends, laughing at Lexa's brief look of shock.

Lexa rubs her forehead and rolls her eyes at her friend. "Good morning to you too."

"IS it technically morning without the sun being up? I prefer to think not." Raven says wiping her hands as Lexa helps her up, "Can't sleep?"

Lexa shakes her head solemnly, offering nothing more than that.

Turns out, that's all Raven needs, she nods in understanding, "Yeah. Me too."

She catches Lexa's eyes and in them, Lexa can see a brief window of vulnerability from her friend, usually so carefully hidden behind her lighthearted demeanor and crude jokes. She puts her hand on Raven's shoulder and squeezes in support before she feels herself pull her into a hug.

They cling to each other for a few moments, Lexa finding comfort in giving and receiving the embrace from her friend. It's been a rough few weeks and she doesn't feel it's quite over yet.

"Thanks," Raven says, finally pulling out of the embrace, looking somewhat thrown by not being able to find her normally explosively fun temperament.

She's been hiding it well but She's been struggling lately, haunted by the scene in the throne room and all the loss. Struggling to sleep, her mind tired but finding it's way into falling into someone else's dreams; occasionally it was Octavia's beside her in bed, dreaming of the village and running as a wolf (the first time it happened she almost went to pee outside the next morning). Sometimes, it's one of the natblida's or one of the many people inhabiting the tower. She's having a hard time guarding and keeping her mind blank like Beland taught her. She blames the stress and the lack of sleep that keep perpetuating the cycle.

They don't talk about what's keeping them awake, at least at first. They tinker on the Rover, Raven making adjustments and repairs and guiding Lexa as she assists her. They get lost in the work, minds drifting in and out of focus, bodies moving as if on their own. For a while, it's quiet, it's therapeutic and a small escape.

But all too soon Lexa's mind begins to dwell on her troubles once again. It goes on for a little while before it finally can't be ignored and Raven speaks.

"You know, I prefer when Clarke hangs out with me when she's troubled, she at least blocks me from listening to her mind, leaves me to my own dark and twisty thoughts," Raven mutters.

Lexa's mouth gapes as she looks at her sideways, "Sorry. I didn't realize what I was doing. I have a lot on my mind."

Raven shrugs and smirks at the apology, "I can tell. So... you think you met the other you? The one from Pheonix and Elyza's world." Oddly, this topic seems to lift her spirits and she sounds a little excited. At the very least, intrigued by the possibility.

"Does it really count as meeting if you never learn each others names and one of you runs away?"

Raven laughs, a real laugh she hasn't heard herself make in weeks, "Okay, 'meeting' may have been generous."

Lexa grins back as she turns the screw driver in her hand, "...While we're on the subject, do you have any idea how I am able to reach her without knowing anything about her?"

Raven's mouth purses as she thinks, her brain going over what she knows, what they've learned, and what she hypothesizes based on that.

"I think…" she trails off before starting once more, "maybe because you are aware that this world exists now, you were able to bridge the gap? If what Claire says about our souls is true, then you're as connected to her as Clarke is to Elyza, it's just Clarke knows specifically where she can find Elyza, knows how to find her. Lexa, You're just as strong as Clarke is, your mind is powerful too, you found her without realizing you were searching. My educated guess is that you caused this to happen, but for you to stand face to face with her, even if it was through your mind could mean she was reaching out without knowing it too..."

Lexa nods slowly, "Maybe…" she's a little disappointed that she still doesn't have an exact answer. She wishes Alex were still around so she could question her.

She feels lost, unguided, unsure of how to be the guide if that is truly the position she is in now in regards to the other her. Then again, maybe we are meant to guide each other.

"Hey," Raven interrupts her thoughts, "Knock it off. Let's take a break, you guys are heading out to Bluecliff today right? Bringing home baby?"

Lexa rolls her eyes and let's out a sigh, her shoulders heavy, "It's not exactly a joyous moment Raven. I am literally having to break the very rules for the changes to the conclave I just made. That baby should not be coming to Polis this young. I will have to forcibly remove him from his family, his mother, his people…"

Raven puts a hand on her shoulder, "These are extenuating circumstances though, you don't really have another choice that won't involve blood spilling. You're trying to prevent anything from happening in the future!"

"We still don't know for sure that no blood will be spilled in doing this."

Raven sighs, knowing in her mind there's someone they could potentially tell them exactly how this will end, but she knows she's in no position to propose it. Lexa doesn't know that Raven is helping Clarke walk both lines of this war. Her guilt swells as she sees the troubled look take over Lexa's face, she hates it. All of it. They all need a break. They deserve it.

Lexa deserves it.

"Raven?" Lexa questions when she doesn't respond.

"Sorry, just a lot in my head too. I know we don't know what's going to happen today, Which is why I said we should take a break. Come on, let's take the ole' girl out for a ride." She points her thumb in the direction of the rover with a glint in her eye.

Lexa can't argue with Raven on this, they do need a break. All she wants right now is a little reprieve, a little freedom, a little air; a light moment with her best friend, a chance to forget it all just for a moment like she can with Clarke. Lexa smirks, "Thought you meant Octavia for a second there."

Raven laughs and opens the driver's side door, "I see my sense of humour is rubbing off on you, let's see if my driving skills have."

Lexa hesitates before nodding. Raven does make driving look like fun, how hard could it be? She hops in and Raven slams the door before hopping in the passenger side. She hits the button for the large door she jimmy rigged back together after the attack.

* * *

"No, she's not changing her mind," Clarke says in to the radio. She's tired and hunched over rubbing her eyelids.

"I am disappointed in you, Clarke. I thought you would be able to do this," Ontari's voice crackles through the speaker.

Clarke sighs before clicking to respond, "Look, the sectors are being double searched for both you and the vaults, so you better hope to have a good hiding spot. If they find you, they'll take you by whatever means, and then she will kill you."

"They will not find me and if they find any of my own search teams, they will die…"

"No. You don't have to have your teams fight with them, Lexa doesn't want their blood, just yours. Just tell them not to engage! To stay hidden!"

"Azgeda will remain as unseen as possible, but if they are found, your people will die. We have to keep up appearances after all, can't have word getting back to Lexa that we backed down when our peace offer was foolishly thrown in our face. She would grow suspicious of another Natrona in her midst..." Her voice had begun with a lilt to it but ended with bitterness that Clarke could almost taste herself. She didn't miss the hidden dig at herself when Ontari mentioned a traitor, for she is it in a way, and she has accomplices. She sighs heavily as her anger bubbles, then steams over and wanheda is reacting with Clarke internally clapping for her.

"Can you really blame her?" Clarke growls with a venom of her own, unable to sit by and not defend her wife's decision, or even her own. "You broke into her city, massacred children, destroyed half of Polis and two neighboring villages before using her daughter as bait to broker a truce behind her back with her wife! She doesn't trust you and never will!" She doesn't deserve it, Clarke thinks, wondering if she even deserves that trust anymore… so torn between doing what is right for all of them and doing what is right by her wife.

"We want the same things, Clarke." Ontari's voice is calm once more, almost soothing now, and Clarke's disgusted that she finds a little comfort in it, "Lexa will come to see it eventually." Hearing someone agree with her decision was something she didn't know she needed.

It's funny how when you are broken down you become weak for even the smallest bit of understanding or comfort, even in the entirely wrong places. All because you made a decision alone, forced friends into the same position, and now it's slowly eating you from the inside out.

"You keep saying that but you don't explain how you know," Clarke replies, forcing herself to remember who the fuck this bitch is. Reminding herself that not so very long ago, the things Ontari wanted were the very throne Lexa sits on and the right to lead, when clarke and Lexa simply want to live in peace together, throne and duty long forgotten.

With nothing more owed to their people. To anyone but themselves.

All Ontari says again is, "she will see it, Clarke."

They plan to share information, that was the deal, yet Ontari continues to hide information. Clarke's not naive, she knows to be careful with what is shared and what is withheld. It's just good practice when dealing with someone you aren't certain you should trust. So She doesn't tell Ontari of their plans to leave the city today for Bluecliff, she doesn't inform her that their sectors intersect, that the chance of their people running into each other are higher than ontari suspects.

She swallows her anger and resentment, her current distaste for herself, for this whole shitty fucked up situation, wanting nothing more right now than to get this over with, "In two days. I'll contact you again."

"Wanheda, beware of the cliffs..." Ontari's voice, thick with warning crackles through before the transmission ends. Clarke's eyes widen, her words, the message is too specific, too coincidental for her to ignore.

She's not sure _how_ , but Ontari knows Lexa and her will travel to bluecliff today.

* * *

So, it turns out driving is a lot more difficult than Raven made it look.

"Jesus," Raven says, wiping her mouth and sitting back down in her seat after spilling her guts out the window for the second time. "I'm getting sea sick in a fucking jeep on land, with you… I can't fucking believe," she says dramatically.

"Well stop swearing and help me," Lexa shouts at her, white knuckled grip glued to the steering wheel. Heda's side eye glare very evident.

Raven eyes her form, "Well, first of all, you need to chill the fuck out." She flicks the switch to the radio and music rushes out, she adjusts the volume to a reasonable level. The Beatles, hey Jude, crackling out of the speakers.

"Relax your grip, don't sit so rigid and tense, this baby won't break and neither will you." She stops and watches Lexa try what she says, she chuckles, "try one foot controlling the gas and break instead of two... No use the right leg. There ya go." Lexa switches and the rover begins to roll along more fluidly, Ravens stomachs stops doing somersaults.

Lexa's grin widens and her head begins to bob and weave to the song. Inspired by the moment, Raven pushes on her right leg a little bit pushing enough so Lexa gets the hint to go a little faster. Raven turns the volume up and starts belting out the song.

They play it two more times before Lexa joins in, word for word, left arm crooked on the door frame, relaxed and exhilarated all at once.

 _Free._

By the time they head back towards the city gates, Lexa has gotten brazen in her driving. The grass by the tree line is tore up from doing doughnuts, a rapper named drake is blaring from the radio and her smile is as wide as the field before her.

Raven threw up again, but this time she didn't mind. It's their little secret that Lexa is a badass behind the wheel.


	5. Chapter 5

It didn't take long for Clarke to find out about Lexa's experience behind the wheel of the rover. She hates that machine, she doesn't trust it, she doesn't know why exactly; perhaps, it reminds her of the metal tin confines of the ark, maybe it's the gigantic machine gun mounted on the hood, maybe it's the danger and speed the beast screams in appearance alone. Regardless, whenever she thinks of the four-wheeled monstrosity she has a foreboding feeling, a desire to keep Lexa away from it. _Far_ _away_ from it.

But it's impossible for Lexa or Raven to hide their adrenaline filled morning, or the doughnuts in the field, or the smile that's plastered to their faces as Clarke finds them at breakfast.

Their little secret lasted all of five minutes.

Lexa got _plenty_ of stern looks but little could be said from Clarke when the experience had lightened her spirits so much. Raven took the brunt of it, because _of course_ , it was her idea. She got an _earful_ to say the least, but after a _long…_ discussion (one sided) on keeping Lexa safe Clarke finished it with a kiss on her cheek, a tight hug that Raven will feel for the next hour, and a murmur of thanks for helping Lexa.

Breakfast was an okay affair after that. Everyone conveniently ignoring what was occurring today, trying to forget where some of them were headed, what some of them had to do. That is, until they were saying goodbye to their loved ones. They could not ignore what lay before them any longer, could not put it off, were forced to set off. It started with Kai, sitting on Lexa's lap and playing with her dagger, "Can't I come too?"

"No," just about every adult close to her responded together before Kai dropped the dagger slowly and raised her hands in surrender, "sheesh, I was _just_ asking. I love tiny humans."

"You _are_ a tiny human," Raven points out.

Kai gives her a challenging look, "Okay, humans that are tinier than me."

"Why not just say babies?" Octavia asks, though it comes out muffled, fighting it's way through a gigantic piece of bread Clarke's sure she hasn't chewed.

Raven tries to save them all the view by holding her hand in front of Octavia's mouth, while Luna answers, "because going to an enemy village and taking a tiny human sounds better than going into an enemy village and taking a baby."

A hunk of bread hits Luna in the forehead before the table turns to look at Lexa who threw it, " _What?_ " Luna says glancing at Raven and back to Lexa, shrugging she says, "it's true." Raven nods as if to say, ' _exactly_ '.

"I think the assault by bread means stop teaching Kai your terminology," Octavia says, chewing finally and displaying it all for them, Raven's hands no longer hiding it.

"I'd rather the assault of flying bread versus the view of you assaulting that piece in your mouth," Clarke groans, "Jesus O, the seven year old has better table manners than you!"

Octavia grins as she swallows a huge glass of water, "there's not exactly a table in the forest for the four-legged," she tries to defend.

"Well you've only got two at the moment so nice try," Lexa quips, a tight smile on her face.

" _Sha, heda's_ ," Octavia says dramatically to soft chuckles from the group.

It's short lived, but relished in, because, moments later, the original conversation comes back to their minds and the group falls quiet as they think about the baby _tiny human_ they plan to take…

It doesn't matter what they call him, they all feel the weight of the truth.

* * *

Clarke's been on edge since before they left Polis, before they sat down for breakfast, ever since the moment Ontari not so subtly stated her knowledge of their travels today. She rides rigid in her saddle on top Daedalus, her usual joy and sense of freedom on top her strong steed lacking today.

Lexa rides beside her, straight backed and shoulders tight. Ryder flanks them with Beland while the two wolves run ahead as scouts. Raven stayed behind in the city with the Natblida, Luna, Ziva and Zora, who made the trip back to keep her company and help keep an eye on things while the leaders were absent.

They don't want to be caught off guard again.

The sun beats down overhead through clear blue skies, but the mood is anything but as bright and cheerful as the weather.

While Clarke is preoccupied with being concerned about Ontari knowing where they are heading, Lexa and the rest of the party are on edge for other reasons, though they happen to relate. They watch the route carefully, taking note of their surroundings and varying their speeds to prevent ambushes. The wolves smelling for threats ahead and doubling back to give the all clear to continue forward.

They all fear what could take place when they arrive in the village that houses the boy, the village where Ambrose was born, and the village Lexa knew well before she was called to lead.

Clarke knows Lexa hasn't been there in years. They've spoke about Ambrose a few times, she knows she knew him while she was younger, spent some of her adolescence with him, went to war with him, fought _alongside_ him. She hasn't been back since she became _Heda_ and Clarke knows she is concerned with appearing there now for a multitude of reasons; the most pressing, to remove a child from its home, something she had _just_ worked tirelessly to prevent ever happening again. Clarke understands what she's feeling coming off of Lexa and she is very careful to acknowledge it without drawing attention.

To give Lexa the support she needs, even in silence.

They catch each other's glances occasionally, eyes full of understanding as much as troubles. They don't speak of what's to come, they've talked that subject to death already in Polis, all that is left to do now is follow through.

That is, until Octavia comes flying back to the group still in wolf form, panting and staring from Beland to the leaders and snapping her teeth. The party automatically halts its progress and closes ranks.

"What is it?" Clarke questions, staring from Octavia to Beland who is clearly the only bridge they have to really understand her in this form without Raven present.

Beland furrows his brow and glances at Lexa before answering, " _Azgeda_. They caught the scent, a small party, the trails maybe an hour old."

Clarke tenses, her fears coming to the forefront, a slight panic edging up her spine as she considers that Ontari has betrayed what little trust she and Clarke had built between each other, emphasis on the _little_. A part of her wonders if it's simply one of the search parties Ontari sent out in search of the undead or the vaults, but a larger part thinks _she's rarely that lucky_ , thinks things never work out the way she means them too. (See a large majority of her life for proof.)

Clarke's hopeful, _not stupid._ She ignores the voice that questions if they aren't one and the same, and this time, the voice oddly reminds her of Elyza. She knows it's not _actually_ Elyza, she believes she'd sense her presence like she can with Claire, she somehow just knows it's the connection she forced, the knot she made to tie their beings together.

Lexa, on the other hand, tenses for different reasons, for _deadly_ reasons. Clarke can see it in her posture and _definitely_ hear it in the slight growl that escapes her wife. She fears Lexa's blind hatred for Ontari, her vow to end her fight, when she sees it, she fears it will overcome her sense of self and duty and cause her to go running off after a possible lead. To be impulsive, something Lexa _or Heda_ rarely is.

Clarke swallows and catches Ryder's glance, one that happens to look as concerned as she's sure she does. Daedalus stamps his feet restlessly, Octavia ruffles her fur impatiently, and Clarke absentmindedly pats the horse's neck to calm him while she desperately tries to think of how to defuse this situation.

"We should follow them," Lexa's stern voice breaks into the tension and everyone's shoulders slump slightly, which Lexa does not miss. Before she addresses it, _or rather_ , the person she is most concerned with hearing their thoughts, she looks at Ryder and Beland, "secure the perimeter," she orders.

They nod to the command and head off to do as she said. Lexa turns her head to look at Clarke, "You disagree?" Her voice is both dangerous and accepting; she already knows the answer.

Clarke swallows hard, grimacing while she straightens her back and raising her chin to meet Lexa's eyes, " _Sha_. I think we should continue on our course."

"Ontari could be with them." Lexa eyes her carefully, while also trying to downplay her wishes to proceed this way. Clarke can tell she's trying to hold her rage back, her heart both wanting to pursue this lead and wanting to remain on the same sense of purpose as her wife.

It's a delicate situation; Clarke doesn't blame her for her desires. _Fuck_ , every time she speaks with Ontari she struggles with the same desires, whether to join her wife in pursuit of the woman's blood they deserve, and the want to pursue this lead that could lead them all into peace down the road. She has that effect on people.

"I doubt she is with them or with a small party at all," Clarke says, _she_ _hopes_ , "she knows you've marked her for death by now, _surely_." She barely gets the sentence out, it's truth hidden between the lines, for she was the one who informed her of the impending death sentence. She swallows thickly, trying to hide how uncomfortable she is, she is careful to not let Lexa feel anything off her but love. She may or may not be pulling a _Clarke_ (she is) as she figured she promised she wouldn't block Lexa out, she means to see that through, _however_ , she never promised she'd let her feel _everything all the time;_ plus, she figured, she knows Lexa has been doing the same in her own way, trying to keep her from sensing _just_ how damaged she still is from everything.

"They are probably just scouts. If we follow them we risk the chance her knowing where we are, what we were planning to do today. Not to mention we've already come this far, Bluecliff scouts could have seen us by now and tipped off the village, if we delay longer we risk everything," Clarke continues.

Lexa adjusts her jaw, clearly mulling over Clarke's words, and trying to come back to see _everything_ instead of just her desire for justice; for Ontari's blood. Clarke remains silent as she watches her consider it all; she has faith that Lexa will listen to reason, that she'll see their only path today should lead to Bluecliff, _and then home_.

 _Please, just let us get home,_ she thinks as her heart thumps in her chest to the tune of Lexa's name.

Instinct takes over, her body moving on its own accord as Clarke urges Daedalus to move forward so she can reach out and place her hand on top of her wife's. Lexa's gaze slowly falls from her wife's to their hands. It's a few seconds before Lexa adjusts her hand to properly hold Clarke's, their thumbs softly rubbing soothing circles on their wrists.

Now, Lexa looks up to the blue eyes she loves so much, the eyes that remind her of _home_ , "You are right. We should continue on."

Clarke nods, though a look of concern unable to leave her face because she can see how difficult this decision was for Lexa, and _that_ worries her. It shouldn't have been that hard of a choice, it is a clear indication that though Lexa is coming back to herself, she is still a little misguided, a little torn between her head and heart. Torn between the want to make Ontari pay for her crimes and the need to do what is right for their people, not unlike how Clarke is torn between doing right by Lexa and doing right by _everyone_.

Clearly able to see her concern, Lexa lifts their entwined hands to kiss the back of Clarke's before flipping it and kissing her palm with lips that linger.

Clarke gives her wife a small smile to match the one Lexa gives her before she nods and Lexa lets out a loud whistle calling their party back to them. A few moments longer and they are back in position awaiting their orders. Lexa nods at Clarke before kicking Icarus into motion again, Clarke mirroring her motions.

 _We can do this. As long as we are together, everything will be fine;_ she lets out a long tight breath in hopes to relax a little. She can't go in to Bluecliff all worked up, getting worked up means the _Wanheda_ part of her will come out, she's not sure they want that; the baby making her believe this is a situation for _Clarke_.

" _Kom Bluecliff,"_ Lexa orders and they pick up their speed.

* * *

The party continued on through the morning at a quick pace, never stopping a second time until they reach the outskirts of the village. They gather, dismounting their steeds and the wolves sit close by, waiting for their orders.

They have not seen a soul. It has _Wanheda_ and _Heda_ coiling protectively, ready for anything.

"We should have seen someone by now," Clarke says as though it's a question.

Lexa nods, " _sha,_ a scout at the very least." She looks at the wolves and then Beland, "They smell no one?"

Beland shakes his head, "no one…"

"How is that possible? They should expect _something_ in response to the attack on Polis."

Lexa's brows knit together in thought, "there could be many reasons…" she pauses, "I can only assume they've have pulled all their forces back, consolidated to show their strength. They await us in the village." That's why Lexa brought so few with her, to show their strength. Lexa doesn't _need_ an army.

She _needs_ Clarke.

And she has her.

Clarke has a thought and looks to Beland, "Can you reach out, can you listen for the closest person? Find out if they're waiting for us?"

"I can try," he says and closes his eyes, the rest of the party looking around nervously. Clarke is holding her breath without realizing it. All she wants is for this to go smoothly. She doesn't want things to get out of hand; she doesn't want things to get any worse. She doesn't think they could handle that. Not right now.

Beland opens his eyes slowly and connects with Clarke, he shakes his head, "No one within range."

Clarke sighs heavily, nodding her thanks for his efforts and looking to Lexa, "What do you think?"

Lexa does something Clarke doesn't expect, she smirks after a second of looking at her wife and tilts her head, "…I have an idea."

Clarke turns her head in curiosity, her brain immediately trying to pick up on why she feels both pride and a sense of excitement from her wife. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't slightly concerned, especially when considering how somewhat unpredictable Lexa has been of late.

Something she rarely is, at least, to Clarke.

* * *

The flagship village of bluecliff, sits perched high on a _blue cliff_ of a crater caused by the bombs and some mineral in the rocky earth that reacted to the heat.

As it turns out, they did want _Wanheda_ to enter the village. A last resort if need be.

Clarke's got to hand it to her; Lexa's plan is a good one. She just hopes it's enough to convince Bluecliff where their best interests lie. She heads off with Ryder and Beland, who will cover them with their arrows. They bid her a 'ste yuj' each, which she returns, before she is separating from them as well to get into her position.

Once settled in her crouch, one knee touching the earth, she takes a deep breath, fingertips grazing the ground as she tries to relax her tense muscles. There, waiting in the wings, hidden by trees, she hopes this works they way they plan.

When she hears the whistle, she steps out of the crouch and into the very edge of the village dwellings. Clarke sparks the flames and they shoot out of her palms to slowly spread in a thick wall to encircle the village. The energy hums within her as she grins, basked in the flare of the light, where she watches Lexa spark her own light and shroud her and the wolves within it.

Her wife walks at an intimidating pace; a true embodiment of the ' _throw me to the wolves, and I'll return leading the pack,'_ as she walks in the middle of the two wolves, a bright white light surrounding them, blinding even in the midday sun. She stalks the ground, owning every inch, _Heda_ matching the wolves wide gait stride for stride.

Lexa shows no fear. No weakness.

Right now, she's a wolf herself, walking on two legs.

She leads them safely through the wall of flames to greet what appears to be the entire village that has come to see what the commotion is. They stand in awe of the flames and the scene of _heda,_ flanked by wolves, untouched as she walks through the fire.

The shouts of _Heda_ , slowly break out across the crowd, the questions of where her ghost wife is follow, then, directions to keep an eye out for _Wanheda_. Their voices are fearful, shocked and questioning. No one makes any aggressive moves forward; they simply stand on guard now, weapons raised, and prepared for an attack.

Lexa waits, eyeing the situation carefully, calculating the numbers of threats before she lets her shield down and she speaks. When she opens her mouth a rush of energy, like a gust of wind, shoots out as she yells causing the people before her to tremble and stumble in its wake.

" _Kru kom Bluecliff, the leader you foolishly chose to follow has fallen! Ambrose's fight has ended in his search for the throne; betrayed by Azgeda before he could do the same! He fell by The Winter Queen's hand! He was not worthy to try for the throne! It is not_ his _birthright!"_

No one shouts out, not one person seems to breathe at the news as she continues. Clarke can't tell if it's because some Bluecliff returned to inform them, or if they are simply shocked by the news. She didn't miss Lexa's emphasis on the whole _his birthright_ thing, but it seems the people around Lexa have.

" _I offer you today the chance to see your people survive this! His blood soaks the Polis streets, his ashes taken away with the wind; we need no more of yours! You can kneel, you can have a leader chosen for you from your numbers, and you will be admitted into the coalition where you belong!"_ she lets the offer hang in the air, here eyes scanning the crowd in search of something, or _someone._

 _"You will surrender the natblida, that is the only blood we seek today; fail to do so and the clans of the coalition will declare war with Bluecliff!"_ she finally adds the condition tied to what she offers.

As expected, shouts erupt at the mention of the child and of war. Word has spread of the conclave changes, the mood shift from fearful to angry. It shifts again from anger to rage as they consider the threat of being at war with more than Polis.

Clarke works to breathe slow as she watches, tightening the flames circle as she moves a little closer at the sense of threat.

The wolves growl threateningly and Lexa stands firm, "Surrender the child, _kneel,_ and live to see tomorrow's dawn! _This is not a negotiation."_

Mob mentality is a weird beast in both human and animal nature. A beast Lexa did not take into account in her plan.

Because, all it takes is one.

One person to begin and the herd to follow.

So when one of the closest men shouts, " _Gon we o wan op!" Leave or die!_ Clarke curses under her breath as Lexa narrows her eyes to the threat just as another shout rings out and another after that. Clarke is forced to drop the wall of flames and use them to move further inside the village in hopes to alleviate the threats from a different angle, to watch Lexa's blind side.

" _Wamplei kom heda!" Death to the commander!_ A woman shouts out loud above the rest.

And then all hell breaks loose.

The first man, the one that started the shouting, rushes forward and an arrow flies through the air, piercing him right in the neck, dropping him at Lexa's feet. She smirks as _Heda's_ mask is firmly set in place, eyes flaring at the blood, and she pulls her swords from her back with lightning speed.

Then Lexa becomes a blur of light and black clothes. Swords ring out, shouts continue and Lexa is unmerciful in those that threaten her.

The wolves pounce with her and Clarke lands in flames to run towards the fold. However, before she can get there, she finds a form in front of her causing Clarke to stop in her tracks. Her senses tingling, the baby hairs on her neck standing on end, she freezes uneasy.

It's an older woman, hunched over slightly, and trying to remain upright against her walking stick that's in her left hand. She leans on it heavily as Clarke's eyes dart from Lexa, who is moving through the riotous crowd with deadly efficiency, and back to the old woman, wondering just what the fuck she is thinking. She finds the woman has been staring at her the entire time.

The woman catches her eyes, there's a brief glint to them before she smiles; it's unsettling amidst the chaos in the distance, and yet, somehow soothing, familiar.

" _Wanheda_ ," she says with a slight nod.

Clarke doesn't respond, her mind racing and her heart beating wildly. Is this women meant to distract her?

" _Clarke_ ," the woman speaks again, this time slightly scolding sounding.

Clarke's mouth drops slightly, knowing as _heda_ , _no one_ is to call her by her name unless given permission. She slowly turns her head to the side, her sword in hand but making no moves to use it, " _Who are you? What do you want?"_ she urges in trig, torn between finding out what this woman wants and just using the flames to get beyond her. (She really doesn't want to kill an old woman in cold blood.) She pushes closer to the woman, apparently her body had other plans.

The woman smiles a little wider, her wrinkled face crinkling and a twinkle to her eye. Her right arm slowly rises to point towards a small dwelling. Clarke's eyes follow the direction before she feels a sharp thwack from the walking stick on her backside that causes her to take a step forward. Clarke looks back to give the old bitch a piece of her mind only to find the woman gone, vanished.

 _"No…"_ Clarke whispers, unsure of what the fuck is happening.

She looks around wildly for her before looking back at the building. She looks to the chaos, unable to see Lexa, but feeling her rage as if it were her own. She works to keep it separate from her own emotions so she's able to think clearly.

 _"Fuck"_ , Clarke curses. Her instinct to trust her gut kicking in, she begins to run full tilt towards the hut.

* * *

Lexa moves fluidly through the barrage of weapons that flail around her. She was apprehensive of raising her weapons here, she wished she needn't have to, but they gave her no choice. She told Clarke her wish to show strength in so few numbers was to demonstrate her lack of fear of Bluecliff, she hoped to inspire a fear in them that caused them to think twice about acting out against her again; but what she had not told Clarke, was that she was ready for the alternative.

Lexa was more than prepared to raise her weapons and use her energy if need be.

She was ready to do whatever necessary to do what is right for her people.

She plunges both blades into the chest of a man before she drops him to the ground like a sack of potatos. Octavia flies by her left, ripping the throat out of a woman who had caught Bill unawares. The giant grey wolf pads past her other side launching over Octavia and crushing the chest in a sickening crack as he lands on the next man.

Lexa ducks a spear, spins and cuts the legs out of another before finishing the turn to run the woman through as she followed through on her strike with the spear. Lexa growls as a blade slices her arm and she bends backwards to doge the next thrust of the closest warrior. With her legs bent at ninety degrees, she feels her back hit the warmth of fur before the beast is moving to force her up into the air; Lexa rolls in the momentum, her body floating gracefully, as she arches her blades and removes the man's head from his body before she lands on her feet.

She grins at Octavia before the red wolf bounces off for her next kill.

Beland and Ryder have joined the fight, their arrows long gone and Clarke nowhere to be seen. Lexa can feel her, knows she's close but also knows she is not fighting.

Her eyes widen, _no,_ she senses Clarke's _desperation_. It makes no sense and Lexa is forced from her mind as she uses her energy to push the forces back as they crowd her. She needs space. She needs to see better. She desperately tries not to call out for Clarke.

Fear has slowly begun to seep in.

Lexa pushes forwards, the desire to find her wife, the desire to stay alive driving her blades and body. "Beland!" she shouts as he ducks an errant arrow, "Clarke?"

He shakes his head, "I don't see her, nor do I hear her!"

" _Heda!_ " Ryder's voice cries out to her from her right, she finds him pointing in a direction to the south. " _Wanheda_!"

Lexa follows the direction he pointed and her breath catches for a moment in her throat.

Then, something inside Lexa clicks on, takes over, it's _heda and Lexa_ combined as the wind rushes out of her again in a blinding light and she shouts so loud it echoes. " _EM PLENI!"_ Ripples of air sound off like percussions as she annunciates every syllable. They're beating against everyone around her and causing the fighting to stop in its tracks as body after body goes flying to the Earth until the only ones standing are she and Clarke and those in the distance.

Lexa watches horrified as she takes in the scene of Clarke, standing alone, behind enemy lines, mere feet from the edge of the cliff. She hasn't turned around, she's focused on something in front of her.

And when she sees just what it is, Lexa's heart drops.

Right along with the body.

Followed by Clarke.


	6. Chapter 6

_Previously..._

Lexa watches horrified as she takes in the scene of Clarke, standing alone, behind enemy lines, mere feet from the edge of the cliff. She hasn't turned around; she's focused on something in front of her.

And when she sees just what it is, Lexa's heart drops.

Right along with the body.

Followed by Clarke.

* * *

 _A few minutes earlier..._

Clarke runs full tilt towards the hut the mysterious old woman had directed her to, unsure why exactly she finds she trusts her direction, her silent urgency. Clarke pushes her feet faster, a weird sense of time starting to weigh on her, the sting of the woman's walking stick still fresh on her mind and ass.

Everything seemingly, to imposing an unknown time limit.

She forces her mind to focus; she blocks out all but the hut before her, letting her instincts drive her. Trusting herself, trusting _Wanheda_ , like she knows she should.

Clarke kicks down the wooden door before bolting inside, sword held at the ready, prepared to attack or defend.

" _Hod op!"_ She shouts, stretching out an arm, when she sees the thin face of a hooded woman bolting through the back door, carrying something in her arms. "Stop!" Clarke shouts, dashing into the hut and out the back door after her.

As she exits, Clarke leaps over a barrel and then some crates the woman knocked over. She runs, light on her feet as she has been taught, swiftly hurdling more objects meant to slow her down.

The woman takes a sharp right, then a left. Unable to shake Clarke's pursuit, she bolts straight into the chaos of the fight.

Clarke follows the woman, diving through the wall of Warriors, avoiding errant blades and arrows as she moves after the woman.

She's forced to stop and step back as a particularly pissed off woman lunges at her screaming her title and drawing more attention to her. Clarke slashes her sword down so hard she cuts her arm clean off, the woman's sword falling uselessly with the severed limb. Clarke doesn't have the time to end her life, the sense of urgency driving her forward again after the woman.

She hurdles a fallen warrior and then another, before ducking two spears and cutting down the Warriors wielding them. She spins and deflects another sword before hurling fire to create some space. She darts forward into the thick of the fighting, this time, stopping for nothing and no one.

And then all too soon Clarke understands why Ontari warned her to _beware of the cliff._

Breaking through the enemy lines in a ball of fire and fury, Clarke is forced to pause, to stop dead in her tracks, feet from the edge of the cliff.

The hooded woman is staring her down, wild eyed and feral looking, her back to the edge of the cliff, heels dangerously close to the edge.

And a raven-haired baby in her arms.

" _Hod op!"_ Clarke shouts, _pleads_. "Don't do this!" She lowers her sword as if held at gunpoint, slowly before dropping it. She raises her palms to indicate no threat, her eyes darting from baby to the woman.

Each flicker of her eyes, each tense second, chilling her blood a thousand times over.

The woman's eyes darken, her right arm flashing and a small severely sharp dagger pulled from the folds of her hood.

" _Beja_!" Clarke's voice breaks out of fear and desperation, just as the woman holds the blade against her neck.

And then, Clarke's eyes close for a second at most as she hears Lexa's voice ring out across the village, her waves of energy sensed as if she caused them herself. She can breathe for this second and this second only, the briefest relief before she opens her eyes and the woman moves.

 _"For Ambrose and his child, I am the only nomon he shall ever know."_ The woman slashes her own throat sloppily and topples backwards over the cliff.

" _No_!" Clarke shouts, entire being leaping after her, the woman's garb flapping in the wind, echoing off the cliff as she falls, baby still clutched right to her chest.

Clarke descending right behind her.

 _What the fuck am I doing?_

Clarke fights the wind in her eyes as they begin to burn in protest, focused on the bundle clutched in the woman's arms. She tightens her body, streamlining herself to fall _faster_. Darting downwards at breakneck speed, the wind shooting in her ears, wiping her hair back so hard it hurts, the ground hurtling towards her.

Finally close enough, Clarke grabs hold of the woman clothes, her feet landing on her chest, the woman's blood from her neck, dense and hitting her in the face as they fall. The woman fights her, and Clarke reaches forward, flame igniting into the woman's face before she finally lets the baby go and she hears a sickening splat of body meeting earth.

Clarke manages to clutch the baby to her chest before attempting to use the flames; she turns her head to see the rush of the ground feet away from killing them both.

She's too late.

And just as she is about to meet her fate, a force like a drop ship hits her in the side, blinding whight light taking over her vision before it falls to black.

* * *

Lexa sees Clarke fall.

Watches, paralyzed for a split second as she witnesses _her_ _heart_ falling from a cliffs edge.

No. Not falling.

 _Leaping!_

" _Clarke_!" Lexa screams in pure shock, her body seizing before instinct launches her forwards.

Striding into a full sprint, Lexa panics, she feels Clarke's matching her own.

 _No!_ She insists to herself, she promises to Clarke. _No, this is not how this ends!_

Lexa knows the fall will kill them; saw that the woman still lived as she fell despite her attempt to cut her own throat _. Amateur._ Lexa knows they don't have time, _she_ doesn't have time, and too much time has passed already.

She feels her energy react to the moment, letting it guide her, letting it _take_ her.

Her mind, her soul, and every beat of her heart, focused on Clarke. Hell bent on keeping Clarke safe. _Alive_.

She vanishes mid run, flattening her body horizontally like a linebacker from the old world game of football, blinding light encompassing her before it falls to black.

Lexa is weightless for a split second, right before she has wind whipping her face and ringing in her ears. She sees Clarke as their bodies collide in thin air and Lexa's desire, what feels like her entire beings sole purpose, to protect Clarke flies into effect.

Energy swarms, flames emit and light encompasses them, as the ground doesn't disappear, _it breaks_.

Lexa's shield braces their fall, it shatters the ground, creating a crater of her very own. The surroundings tremble and shake as much as her wife in her arms as the tremors ring out and begin to split the cliff they fell from.

" _Lexa_ ," Clarke _definitely_ sighs, _praises_ _even_ , as she braces against her wife's chest, encircled in her strong arms, her protective warmth and light saving her life once again. The immense relief of safety and protection taking over her.

" _Clarke_ ," Lexa sighs back, clutching her despite the danger of imminent death being gone.

Silence rings out except for the ground settling.

And then a baby's coo brings them back.

They both look down to see deep yellowish green eyes staring back at them from a bundle of furs, tiny hand grasping on to errant strands of golden hair. " _Ow_ ," Clarke says after a painful tug, "you're strong aren't you little Natblida," she pokes at him playfully.

Lexa smiles at the warmth shown from her wife; unsurprised in the affection she both feels and sees.

"Little Natblida? He has no name?" Lexa pokes a finger into his space and he grabs it, as strong as Clarke implied.

Clarke shakes her head against her, "sounded like he hadn't received one yet. Like she was waiting for Ambrose to return..." Clarke trails off, glancing at the indescribably grotesque image of his dead mother, pancaked into the earth.

Another tug on her finger causes both Lexa and Clarke to break the moment of tension. "He's so strong. He reminds me of someone."

Clarke feels Lexa stroke her arm lovingly as she watches the boy grasp at her finger, " _Sha_ …" she says softly…"What about Lincoln? Or Gustus?" Lexa suggests both names lovingly.

Clarke turns her head to beam at her wife as the baby coos again and kicks his tiny feet. Lexa, her entire attention on the beauty of her wide, watches as blue eyes fall on the child again. The instant she heard his name she knew that is who the baby reminder her of.

The very man who gave his life for Lexa immediately before Clarke almost did the same.

"Hey Gus," Clarke coos right back at the baby fondly; his little yellowy green eyes shining back at her. "Hey, little man," she rocks the babe against her like she's been doing it her whole life.

Lexa smiles fondly as she strokes back a tear that fell from Clarke's eyes and landed on her cheek, "come on, this is not over yet."

Her light emits as Clarke sinks further into her chest. Lexa carries them back up to the village.

They are greeted with silence when they reappear, Lexa's light fading and revealing the _Heda's_ and the child. There is a moment of shock, followed by quick relief, as the villagers begin to understand what occurred.

And then they fall to their knees in the presence of such purity. In surrender, in allegiance, to those that would sacrifice - that would risk - such a death for a mere baby.

Yes, fear plays a big role, it has its place and time, but it is their hearts will inspire loyalty.

That will inspire devotion.

And it does.

Just like mob mentality can spread like wildfire, sparked by one can infect so many, so too can the good, the mentality of 'for one and all', one good gesture, one good deed can cause the next.

And in this case, Clarke and Lexa's efforts triggered what happened next.

Every member of Bluecliff's flagship village, that still retains the ability to do, so bows.

Lexa stands proudly beside her wife as they swear to her, _to them_. Clarke watching, voice stolen from the events, she's overwhelmed.

She just wants them to go home.

Heda speaks to the people, requesting knowledge of what befell the previous leader before Ambrose and who wishes to be put forward for consideration to lead their clan. Clarke hands the child off to Octavia and Bill to look after while she helps tend to various wounded.

They remain there for hours, tending to wounded, voting on the proposed leaders and selecting the delegation. It is long after nightfall before they return to the lights of polis.

* * *

"When will they return?" Kai asks excitedly to Raven.

"They are due before nightfall, if everything goes to plan," Raven tells her as she is handed Kai's parchment. She has the kids doing human anatomy this afternoon with the healers, completing a test of sorts. Raven looks over the paper briefly before tilting her head to look at Kai, "You missed one."

She hands back the paper and Kai frowns, " _No way?"_ She says it like it's impossible and Raven cocks a brow.

Raven chuckles, "See if you can find it." She kicks softly at her butt, "If you need my help just holler! Go sit down and try again squirt."

Kai huffs angrily as she snatched back her paper examining her work and trying to find her mistake. She grumbles, in a way that reminds Raven of _Clarke and Lexa_ , the _entire_ way her way back to her seat.

Raven smiles fondly after her before looking at the window and judging the time based on the sun's position…

* * *

"When will they return?" Kai asks excitedly to Raven.

"They are due before nightfall, if everything goes to plan," Raven tells her as she is handed Kai's parchment. She has the kids doing human anatomy this afternoon with the healers, completing a test of sorts. Raven looks over the paper briefly before tilting her head to look at Kai, "You missed one."

She hands back the paper and Kai frowns, " _No way?"_ She says it like it's impossible and Raven cocks a brow.

Raven chuckles, "See if you can find it." She kicks softly at her butt, "If you need my help just holler! Go sit down and try again squirt."

Kai huffs angrily as she snatched back her paper examining her work and trying to find her mistake. She grumbles, in a way that reminds Raven of _Clarke and Lexa_ , the _entire_ way her way back to her seat.

Raven smiles fondly after her before looking at the window and judging the time based on the sun's position…

And when that sun sets and it falls later into the evening, Raven's fears come to life; she knows things have not gone to plan.

She stands on the balcony of Clarke and Lexa's room, her optical device in front of her face scanning the direction they should be returning from.

Five hours later than expected, five tense hours of silence, Raven finally sees the sign of the party returning.

Her eyes fall immediately to the smaller wolf appearing in the screen of her device. A breath she had held since Octavia left escaping her finally.

 _They're almost home._

Raven races down the tower, wakes Kai and Aden like she promised, and brings them out of the tower just as the company calls for the doors to open.

Kai and Aden rush forward to meet Lexa and Clarke in relieved smiles and long hugs when they dismount. Lexa carrying a slumbering baby, wrapped in her Heda sash and furs, kept close to her body.

Raven makes no point to hide her happiness as Octavia morphs mid run to human form and Raven clutches to her, wrapping a cloak around her naked form.

"Are you okay," Raven says giving her a quick once over before she grabbed her. " _Welcome home_ ," Raven whispers relieved in her warrior's ear, her hand woven in her brunette hair.

Octavia sighs against her, holding her just as tight, grinning. Happy to be home. To be in the arms of Raven. They breathe as one, a moment to themselves, reveling in each other's grace.

"You sound like you weren't expecting me to return," Octavia says leaning back after a second, a tilt to her voice and head. Looking for the break, the crack in Raven's tough exterior, waiting to observe the gummy bear within.

Raven doesn't put on a brave face, she doesn't hide anything, not her fear, her worry, not her joy or relief, she lets the tears flow down her cheeks and into her smile.

"I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind," she manages to chuckle. "You're late," she scolds.

Octavia's grin fades as she reaches out to wipe Ravens tears, "Hey, we're all okay. Everything's fine. I'm right here. We all came home." She tilts her head to maintain eye contact when Raven tries to glance away, Octavia knowing how hard it is for Raven to show her softer side. To be left raw and open for her or anyone to see.

Without another word she kisses her cheek, lingering her lips lovingly as she grabs her hand, nodding at Clarke when she catches her eye and pulling Raven inside. Taking her to their room, giving her what she needs; holding her through the night, bodies entwined, few words spoken and tears of fear and relief dried on bare skin as soaked into damp hair.

Hours later, Raven tilts her head from the crook of Octavia's arm to smile at her, "hey," she calls.

"Hey," Octavia sighs pushing back hair for Ravens face.

"I love you, you know that?"

Octavia beams and laughs, "Yeah Rae, I know that. You know I love you too, right?"

Raven grins and winks before settling back down against her chest, "Of course I do, I know _everything_."

* * *

" _Be careful_ ," Lexa scolds gently as she hands Gus to Kai when they are inside the tower. She has her seated on the couch, Aden beside her, in their room. "Shh, be calm, he's had a long night…" she patiently watches Kai relax and hold the baby with ease, "That's it." She helps her brace his head and neck a little better, receiving a wonderfully light note of thanks from her daughter.

Aden and Kai dote on the baby as Clarke ushers Situ and Zora into the room to greet their blood brother. Zora sits down close to Aden, watching as the young man cradles the boy now. Clarke and Lexa watch fondly as the boy is gently passed around, everyone saying hello and bidding their welcome.

Embracing him despite was his people did to their city, welcoming as their own because he is _their own._

That night, the Natblida, both children and adult, in Polis sleep in the same room. Spread out wherever they will fit, in Clarke and Lexa's room, sleeping soundly right up until the baby wakes hours before dawn hungry and demanding.

Then, it's just poor Clarke; left holding the kid while everyone else disappears, Lexa among them. She huffs out air, blowing errant hairs back from her face as she tries to shush Gus.

" _Of course_ you would become my duty once you start crying," she murmurs matter-of-factly to him. He gurgles and stops crying for a moment, an odd look taking over his face right before he spits up all over her chest.

And holding the child out from her chest, face contorted in disgust, is how Luna finds her minutes later.

"I'd appreciate you choking on your laughter," Clarke threatens darkly at the woman as she comes closer to inspect the damage. "Where's Lexa?"

Luna smiles as she reaches out to take the boy, tucking him into her side and pushing Clarke to the bathroom. "She's saving your ass for the second time in less than twelve hours I believe. She'll be back shortly. _Now move_."

Clarke tries to protest and Luna takes none of it, giving her a spite-filled glare as she gestures to her chest, " _That's gross_. _Move_ ," she scolds as if Clarke could control where the kids vomit landed.

Clarke cleans up and changes while Luna tries to entertain the baby.

"He's hungry," Luna explains as Clarke cringes after a sharp squeal from Gus.

"He's demanding," Clarke says, tossing her dirty clothes into a basket.

Luna laughs as she dangles her woven, seashell bracelets in front of him, "so were we all at his age. To Eat, laugh, be sheltered, sleep and poop, that's all he asks for..."

Clarke watches fondly at the two of them, pondering her words, going over the simplicity, before the door bursts open with Lexa leading and two women following her.

" _Mom_?" Clarke questions, coming forward when she sees her following her wife.

"Hey, honey," Abby says absently, looking beyond her daughter for the baby, _quite_ excitedly.

"What are you doing here?" Clarke gapes as she's overpassed.

Abby gives her a look over her shoulder, one that says she already should know, but answers anyways as she pulls a stethoscope out to listen to the baby's chest.

"Lexa told me days ago to make sure I was here for today. Marcus and I arrived last night." Abby continues her examination as if no one else was present as Luna holds the baby for her.

Clarke's eyes widen before her brain sort of goes ' _duh_ ' and she smiles at the bashful look that appears on her wife's face; the cutest tinge of red on her cheeks that Clarke quickly swoons over.

Lexa shrugs in the company of family, "I had to be sure he was healthy." She grins in a small way at Clarke when she feels the radiating love and affection from her, and for a second, they are both lost in it.

Abby clears her throat as she finishes her exam to break their moment reluctantly.

Lexa comes back long before Clarke, blinking as she does so, "this is Anna," Lexa directs her attention to the second woman that had entered the room; A busty, curvaceous, middle aged redhead, "She's volunteered to be Gustus' wet nurse."

The woman moves to receive the baby and gently guide him to feed.

Lexa doesn't say it but Clarke feels the pang of pain that tells her Anna has recently lost her own child. Perhaps in the attack on polis caused by the very child's father that she has volunteered to feed and help care for.

Once again, an act of good that will inspire many and embolden the belief of those in the room.

The one that suggest, despite the darkness, _good will overcome._

Overcome what the baby's own mother tried to force on him. The Commander of Death and the Commander of the Blood, thwarting her efforts _._

 _Together._

Clarke tries to hide her emotions as she watches Gus fight the woman before latching on to suckle. She's smiles through tears as he calms instantly, the candles in the room flicker with her heart beat and Lexa watches her with knowing eyes.

A little later, the eyes have not left her as she's handed Gus.

They fuss over him before Clarke and Lexa leave Luna and Abby to watch him while they begin their day.

* * *

A little later that day, Clarke has found herself in quite an _uncomfortable_ position.

Gustus stinks.

 _Okay_ , like really, _really_ stinks. (You don't understand; the kid smells like he ate a corpse.)

So Clarke holds him, arms straights out, baby dangling like he's going to explode.

 _She's not convinced he won't._

She's trying not to breathe; every fibre of her being, working to prevent the intake of the putrid fumes emitting from the baby's diaper wrap. Gus makes a funny face before he gurgles a spit bubble through his lips like he was bearing down on something.

She doesn't want to think of _what_.

Clarke's eyes widen and the smell immediately gets worse. "Oh _god_ ," she gasps turning towards Raven.

Her friend has tied a scarf across the lower half of her face in defense of the toxicity, " _Nope_. _Sorry_ , I did not sign up for _that_!" She protests hands raised, fingers crossed as if to ward off the devil.

Clarke gives her a pleading look before doing the same gesture to Octavia, "uh, uh..." The warrior stammers, "let's get a bath going! You know _bathe_ ...that _-she gestures at Gustus' entirety-_ uh, _away_."

" _Octavia_ ," Clarke weakly protests as she bolts out of sight and in to the bathroom. Clarke turns when she hears Luna cackling in laughter, clearly not about to offer help.

"The great _Wanheda_ ," she cracks, " _defeated by a baby_!" Clarke knows she's imagining the drinks this tale will buy her in the tavern.

"This kid could kill a village with this arsenal," Clarke points out dryly in defense, gagging on the smell, baby still held like a bomb.

Gus spits and drums his lips together, a clear sign he's bearing down again.

"He's gonna go boom," Raven yelps as she dramatically ducks for cover on the ground beside the bed.

" _Octavia_?" Clarke screams, wondering if she _can_ just plunge his lower half in a bath and make it all just go away.

She doesn't want to think about what _it_ is.

Octavia appears in the doorway, her hair askew, and her eyes wide in fear Clarke feels on a very real level, "Stop yelling at me! You know, I didn't remove my contraceptive implant for a reason Clarke!"

Clarke can't help but gasp dramatically as she rolls her eyes and ends up coughing as the fumes choke her again. " _Oh god,_ what do I _do_ ," she questions aloud, scanning the room. Seeing a potential solution, she runs to the balcony in attempts to let the wind take the smell away.

Fresh air, that's what they need.

Just as she gags again when the wind kicks the smell directly into her mouth, so bad she can almost _taste it,_ Luna and Raven's laughter picks up in the room.

Then, the bedroom door bangs open for them all freeze seeing Lexa staring in the doorway at the scene before her.

Her eyes flicker from her wife to the others before she _noticeably_ gets a whiff of what the issue is. She tilts her head in pity before she quickly strides across the room. She takes Gus from Clarke in a practiced manner, without a word, and brings him to the bed.

With one hand, she rips a pillowcase off one of the pillows and lays it down before gently placing the baby down on top of it. She sighs as she calls for Octavia to bring a basin and two large cloths.

Lexa moves with expert ease to a shocked and silent Clarke, Octavia and Raven, while Luna observes her smugly. Lexa pulls the soiled garment from the boy and cleans him with precision and little difficulty; in fact, Gus giggles and gurgles in joy at her attention.

Lexa smiles and indulges his cuteness, mirroring it with her own, speaking softly only to him, before she expertly wraps and ties the second clothe around his bottom.

She pokes him in the stomach and tickles him, "There. _Better_?" Lexa continues to coo at him as she is picking him up, raising him above her head as he giggles with joy. She tucks him down into her chest before swiftly walking back across the room and handing the boy to Clarke. There's an _undeniable_ _smirk_ and another tilt to her head when she sees Clarke accept the boy, her mouth still fully agape in awe.

Owning the situation in every movement, Lexa quietly leaves without another word or look to any of them.

The door closes in her wake to shocked silence from all in the room.

Raven blinks, pulling down her makeshift gas mask, " _What_. _The_. _Fuck_. Was. That?"

Luna cackles again, " _That_ is the beauty that is the beast of both Lexa and _Heda_."

Clarke can't help but agree.

Falling back into sheltering the baby against her chest as she contemplates her wife continuing to astound her in her abilities. She doesn't believe a single _heda_ before Lexa has changed a diaper. Even to what most would deem as simple as changing a diaper, Clarke sees it as a testament to who her _wife is_ as much as Luna acknowledges it.

Just as Clarke is _Wanheda_ , Lexa is _Heda_ , their beauty transcends the physical, overcomes the duty and their power; it _revels_ in their humanity.


	7. Chapter 7

A week later, it's early in the afternoon, sunlight is pouring in from the open balcony and the drapes are gently rustling in the breeze. It's calm outside, a wonderful summer day, promising plenty of sun and shade alike.

Unfortunately, the gentle weather and soft hum of the city creeping in from outside is the _complete opposite_ to the atmosphere within the throne room.

You could describe it as organized chaos.

Lexa sits, regal by nature in her throne; chin held high, with Clarke standing to her left, her right hand resting on one of the ornate branches. She's Drawing strength and recharging just as Lexa is from the contact with the century old seat. Their faces remain stoic, impeccably passive as _Heda_ and _Wanheda_ listen and watch the room of clan leaders and dignitaries discuss ( _bicker over_ ) plans, while Raven attempts to play mediator.

Raven looks sweaty and odd, like she's trying not to combust where she stands, as she tries to keep order from between both sides of the room. As intense as the situation is for her, Clarke can't deny the smile and undeniable enjoyment the new Flamekeeper also seems to be getting from the drama and somewhat explosive atmosphere.

Raven is thriving, incredibly fearless in her role. Organized chaos is, _apparently_ , her thing. (As if anyone could have doubted her.)

There are various arguments going on around the room. Abrupt outbursts, occasional posturing and quite honestly, _bitching_.

Glowing forest has complaints of their search parties not returning; they've lost four in the last two weeks. They weren't the first to go missing and Clarke knows deep down that they won't be the last; every clan of the coalition has lost search parties and people over these many months, all the way back to when jasper was still alive. The issue is that they all go missing in various parts of the nations and borderlands, so they can't narrow down who is taking them or what exactly is happening to them. They have to be connected but so far, there's nothing to prove it except some bloody scenes and no bodies.

It's odd, _infuriating_ , no one knows anything, no one comes back to camp with new information. They have no one to point fingers at.

 _Well, almost, no one._

There are reports from Trikru and the boat clan that broadleaf has all but disappeared, shallow valley much the same. No one knows where they are and are finding it far too easy to draw a conclusion on ice nation, a _known_ threat. Delphi swear they've seen Azgeda in their borderlands, while other clan reports put them in three other locations as well as their own nation.

The clans are understandably restless and growing increasingly impatient. Lexa and Clarke's handling of Bluecliff both alleviated and added to the pressure all at once. No one is sure what to do, but when you can only really see one side of the war right now how can you blame them for pointing at Azgeda. The only enemy they have real undeniable proof of now is ice nation, which unfortunately means that's the only thing they all agree on.

 _Go fucking figure,_ Clarke thinks _._

What does surprise her, though she can't fault them, is that Even Luna and Shaw have become both apprehensive and restless on which courses of action they should follow now. Their people are pushing for action they keep trying to hold a bay. They are sworn allies with undeniable and unwavering faith in their leaders, but they are finding it harder and harder to justify decisions to their people.

Clarke understands. She doesn't like it, but she gets it. She's facing and has faced similar issues.

Azgeda showed weakness in retreat, it only makes sense that they _all_ want to attack now. Even word from skaikru tells of some people pushing for action, Bellamy among them (not that Clarke's surprised).

To add to that issue, No one has come forward with any advancement on the vaults or the undead. No one has had visual of Ontari; some rumours have even spread of her being dead by her own people's hands.

It's all adding up against them and Lexa and Clarke are having a hard time justifying holding off on invasion.

 _Except for entirely different reasons._

For Clarke, she has a secret tumultuous truce with their queen. A bargain she struck for the good of them all, and by communicating in secret, she knows that bitch lives. _At least, for now_.

For Lexa, she has a not so secret wish to destroy Ontari _herself._ To end her fight _,_ no armies' necessary, all while maintaining hope to keep the nation alive by sacrificing their monarchy and having them kneel. It's what she believes she _should_ have done with Nia after Costia, what she foolishly gave up on thinking peace would be lasting; a mistake she made that could have prevented all of this. A mistake she won't make again. For Lexa, that truce Clarke already struck in secret doesn't begin until Ontari's dead.

Clarke nervously glances around the room as the shouting picks up again and a few too many side eyes are thrown their way for her liking. She grips the throne a little harder, preventing her itchy fingers from pulling a blade or sparking a flame. She can fucking feel the Sparks in her left hand that's clenched at her other side.

 _Chill the fuck down, be cool_ , she tells herself.

Lexa can sense the tension rolling off her wife, as it causes Lexa to indiscreetly (to everyone but Clarke) roll her neck to relieve it. Seconds later, Clarke feels her calm energy wash over her like a cleansing rain. She breathes a little easier, her arm tingles instead of her hand sparking, and her fist and grip on the throne relax a bit.

She calms minutely however, because now she wonders how Lexa is keeping so cool amidst all this chaos. She watches her wife discreetly, her eyes never lingering for too long while she mulls it over.

 _Lexa is acting... Normal. Balanced, perfectly at ease. Able to keep herself calm as well as me._

And Clarke's confused...

Which worries her. For one, Lexa rarely confuses her anymore; Clarke has always read her like a book, cover to cover in just one look. Second, She should be _thrilled_ to see her wife back in action; she _would_ be, except she knows Lexa hasn't been sleeping well, knows she's been anything but relaxed. She watches her leave at random times of the night to walk the tower and find a peace she can't in sleep. She does it In hopes to let Clarke rest peacefully undisturbed, she doesn't know that Clarke always watches her go, doesn't know her wife remains awake while she disappears. Yes, Clarke is _well aware_ that Lexa is still a bit of a mess inside, overwhelmed and scared of losing control, despite her valiant effort to hide it.

Just as they all are in some way, over something.

So Clarke watches her, because not so very long ago, Lexa was acting brash and unpredictable, and now she sits calm and cool. Clarke is wondering where that rage has been channeled now, wondering what is keeping her mind and emotions on the same page, and there's a large part of her that's worrying if Lexa's using all her strength to remain passive and stoic now only to crash hard later in the privacy of their chambers. The thought alone is a weight on her chest.

It's true, they've mended some of the damage they both caused to each other, but some secrets still remain, some truths have not been revealed and some conversations have yet to be had. They sit in the room with them at all times, the elephants they can't ignore though they try.

Lost in thought, Clarke almost doesn't register seeing the head of Bill pop through the doors to signal not her or Lexa but Raven. Almost misses the flashing glance from Raven to Lexa indicating a silent conversation. _Almost_.

Of course she sees it, she's been focused on her wife and feels the switch instantly when the calming presence washing over her is removed and something like anticipation is sensed from her wife.

A second later, Lexa is standing, signaling the room to quiet down immediately. Raven bows slightly and dashes out the door while Lexa speaks, "that is enough for now. We reconvene at dusk."

With a hand held out to Clarke, which is instinctively grabbed, Lexa leads them regally from the room, while Clarke hides her confusion. They never break this early; the meeting had only been going on a little over an hour. Once more, she's confused.

Once away from prying ears and eyes, Clarke pulls Lexa to a stop. "What was that about?"

"Clarke, we don't have time for this. You'll see soon enough. I have to go meet with Raven." Lexa moves to leave.

"And the twins?" Clarke questions with raised brows, crossing her arms across her chest.

Lexa stops and turns to look at her, sighing, she answers, "yes."

"And there's a reason you're trying to get me to let you go alone?"

"Yes."

Clarke's eyes widen. She was expecting an affirmation, but perhaps not so bluntly delivered. A _'Clarke, no'_ thinly veiled, but evident to her.

Lexa turns again to leave with Clarke gaping after her, "so, are you coming or not?" She calls over her shoulder.

Clarke indulges in the briefest of smirks before she trots after Lexa, a weird sense of pride and love swarming inside her when her wife knew her well enough to know she'd follow - invite or not.

She mentally shrugs, the ever present mantra of _'Clarke, yes'_ echoing in her ears as she quickens her pace.

* * *

Clarke follows Lexa, barely a step behind, all the way out of the tower. Her wife begins to veer left and right before entering a newly formed doorway into the remaining, rubble cleared dungeons.

She's about to ask why they're here, wondering who Lexa had been holding down here, as far as she knew they were holding no one; before she can inquire, she sees bill, Beland and Ryder speaking in hushed tones ahead of them. She sees raven standing by a cell, her head tilted in contemplation.

Clarke's questions die in her throat as she moves beyond Lexa, passed the men, and comes to a stop beside Raven. Her eyes widen as she watches the cell for a few moments before turning on her heels, "what is this?" She demands to know, her eyes on Lexa now.

Her wife, who had her green eyes glued to her the entire time, looks briefly at the floor before glancing at Raven and back to her. "Hopefully, proof."

"Lexa?" Clarke says cautiously, somewhat confused, before turning back around to look at the cell. Then she's forced to reach up and grip the iron bars as her vision blurs and she's dropped back into a memory of an eerily similar situation.

A memory where she's Claire and Lexa is Alex, standing not behind her but beside her as they stare through a pane of glass, deep beneath the earth.

A wet gurgle rattles her vision back to the situation at hand and she blinks to clear away the fog. She looks beyond the bars into the tiny cell to see a young man, clad in glowing forest colours, and struggling to breathe.

Clarke growls and glares at those in the dungeon with her "open the door!" She shouts, "I can help him!"

"Clarke." Lexa says hoping to calm her; she sends a wave of it over Clarke to be sure.

Clarke spins when she feels the attempt and glares harder at her, she holds up a hand, "Don't even try to pull that shit with me right now, Lexa! Open. The. Damn. Door!"

Lexa immediately stops trying to calm her and looks at her momentarily before ultimately resigning and nodding to Ryder to follow the direction. Clarke moves to follow him to the door, impatiently tapping her foot while he fiddles with the keys, "get me water and cloths, now! Get a medical bag!" She snaps at the twins.

"Bill," Lexa corrects the order, wishing for Beland to stay.

Bill nods and leaves at a run, as Ryder finally springs the lock. A hand on Clarke's shoulder tries to stop her before she shrugs out of Raven's grip and ducks into the cell.

She drops to her knees and starts examining the young man, "what happened? Why is he in here?" She questions to no one in particular, as her hands fly around his feverish body, frantically looking for the wound.

No one answers.

No one has to.

Clarke's hands stop as she moves the boy's shirt aside.

She tenses, eyes flicking from his pained face to a revolting looking bite.

 _Human bite._

A festering human bite.

With purplish blood, congealed and slowly oozing, a tinge of a putrid smell wafting from it.

Her heart spikes as another wet gurgle and raspy breath breaks the boys lips. Clarke stares; frozen in shock, mouth slightly parted, while her mind reels.

"We found him this morning in the rover," Raven's voice cracks behind her, she can tell she's moved into the cell door way. "He had escaped the attack and was running through the tree line, south of here, he fell unconscious before we got to him."

Clarke clenches her jaw as bill comes into the cell with what she asked for. He doesn't leave her side; in sympathy, or perhaps pity, he helps her back to her senses by handing her the wet cloth. He even helps her guide her hand to the task of wiping the boys wound when at first she made no move.

Her hands shake as she tries to clean the bite. What can she do? How is she supposed to help?

She's out of her element here; she knows how to cause death, she knows how to prevent it, _prolong it_ if she so chooses, but she doesn't know how to combat a virus (or whatever the fuck it is) that brings you _back from it._

Clarke inhales sharply as she blinks through visions of what comes next after a bite, after death, things she saw first hand through Claire's eyes.

She drops the cloth in bills hand, trusting him to continue as a strange frustration and fury is taking over her that's fuelled by fear. She's the only one in the room who has truly seen what happens next.

They have no idea. Not yet.

Before she knows it, she's standing and closing the distance before she pushes Raven in the chest forcing her backwards out of the cell. "I don't even know where to begin with this! I don't know what to start yelling about, there's that much!"

She glares from Raven to Lexa, the boys and back to the flamekeeper as she hears Ravens huffed comment of 'seems like you're off to a good start.'

 _Fine. That settles where._

She steps into Ravens space again, "What if he turned? What if he turned before you got him into a cell! _In the fucking Rover?_ You didn't see what I did, the speed I witnessed in the vaults after the turn takes over, after you come back! You both could have-"

"We didn't." Lexa is quick to point out, foolishly trying to think that makes the risk worth it to Clarke. Trying to defend her and Ravens actions, trying to protect Raven from taking the brunt of Clarke's anger.

The blonde rages, "that doesn't matter! You could have! _Easily_! That fucking tin can is tiny! Bound or not, the speed and strength, he could have!" As mad as she is, she can't bring herself to say exactly what she fears could have happened. She doesn't need to.

"Clarke," she vaguely hears from one of the men but she ignores them, finding her groove.

"You two have been sneaking out, taking joyrides while none of us knew! Anything could have happened out there!" Her eyes flare briefly to Lexa, driving a certain hurtful point home and simultaneously letting Lexa know she watches her leave at night, " For fuck sakes I thought you were _at least in the tower!_ "

Finding no reaction other than her wife's eyes widening Clarke continues into her next point, "Paul is looking for his people and you _have_ one, have had him since before dawn, waiting for him to die just to see if he comes back. Some kind of twisted experiment-"

"Well when you put it like that, it sounds terrible." Raven mutters.

"It is like that!" Clarke shouts, her hands balling into fists, the torches along the wall flaring.

"If what you say is true, there's nothing we could do for him anyways. Not until we know more," Raven defends.

"We needed proof Clarke," Lexa's velvety voice seeps into the conversation finally. It's calm in the face of Clarke's rage, not a trace of guilt now on her features, stoic.

Resolute in their actions.

It irks Clarke more than it soothes right now.

Because, in Lexa's emerald eyes, Clarke can see the sadness and pain, it's threatening to throw a wet rag on her blazing fury.

"I get that," she says a little softer, disappointed even, "but you shouldn't have let this happen. Not this way." She does get it, she understands both their points, Lexa wants proof to buy them time with the clan leaders and Raven wants to understand what the fuck they're up against.

Silence falls briefly, too much silence, and it becomes very apparent that there's no wet gurgle in the background any longer. She tenses as bill calls to her again.

"Clarke!"

All eyes go from her to the cell as she too turns to see.

"Get out of there, Bill!" She shouts, immediately seeing the now dead body, she rushes forward to the cell door as he looks at her questioningly but ultimately rises to the order.

She stares beyond him as he comes closer watching and waiting for the threat to appear. She can feel it coming, but she still gasps as what she saw through Claire, is now witnessed by her own to eyes.

The boy begins to stir, eyes flicker open and his chest barely moves but a new gurgle, choked and unfulfilling, breaks his lips as jaws begin to snap.

Clarke claws at Bill's shoulder, pulling him out of the way as the boy moves at lightening speed to rise from the bed. He's drawn by the sound or smells, maybe both; she doesn't have time to consider as she hears her name being shouted behind her. Wanheda rouses and she sidesteps bill and pulls the sword from her back.

The boy sees her through dead eyes and shifts, making a grab for her. The cell is small; she kicks his chest before her back hits the wall. She strikes him in the head with the hilt of her sword, buying her a second to leap on to the bed to round on the not so dead man right before he lunged a second time.

She takes her chance and stabs her sword directly through his back, the tip piercing through his rib cage and clattering into the cement wall in front of him.

No cry of pain, no scream of rage comes when it should from the force of her blow.

The gurgle turns into a snarl, and jaws continue to snap. He acts as though there is no weapon protruding through his form, his hands reach and claw at his own back in attempts to get to her, spit and blood flying from his mouth as his teeth snap over and over again.

Clarke is momentarily stunned, both hands gripping her sword, frozen where she stands, one foot awkwardly on the bed and another on the ground. She's planted solidly but she feels like she's floating.

 _This isn't happening,_ she thinks desperately. _This is not happening._

Except, it totally is _._

However, for Clarke, it seems k _nowing_ it is out there and _seeing_ it before you are two entirely different things. She didn't expect to react like this, not after everything she's been through.

As well, she didn't realize there _truly_ _was no pain_ after death. She didn't believe that possible, not after meeting Claire in veil who still carries a very real pain with her, and certainly not after what she's been through herself.

And definitely not after what she's _done_.

Also, how is he still functioning, she's sure her blade had gone right through his heart. She is about to remove it and strike again as waves of panic are rolling through her now trembling body. In her alarm, she forgets that through Claire and Elyza she has seen how they are to be put down, she forgets that she has the knowledge to end this now.

" _Clarke! Hod op_!" Lexa voice comes through her wall of panic and snaps her out of it, "hold him steady!"

" _Right_ ," Clarke manages to mutter less distractedly, somewhat sarcastically; as the boy continues to struggle, her blade is continuing to rip a larger hole in him as he moves, and his dead clouded eyes are unblinking. Lexa and Bill are beside her now, murmuring to each other in trig, as they help hold him steady and bind the boy's hands.

"Don't let him scratch you," Raven says, " _hey_ , watch the mouth!"

Clarke glares at her over her shoulder. _As if they needed that point of advice._ Clarke doesn't even want the thing at the end of her blade _, let alone allow it to touch her in any way._ She briefly remembers touching his wound and the medical training in her immediately wants to wash her hands with scalding water...

"No," Lexa says when Clarke makes another move to remove her sword after the boy's hands are tied "keep him like that."

Clarke frowns, awkward as ever with the struggling being impaled on her sword, as Lexa leaves the cell. She's unsure of whether Lexa wishes to leave him on the end of her sword to let the clan leaders see that the boy should truly be dead, or if it's to keep him secure and her out of his reach should his binds come loose.

As she glances from his back to his hands, she figures it's probably both considering he's now struggling so much his skin is breaking and a purplish red colour is beginning to stain the ropes that bind him. She's also sure she heard the distinct sound of his right shoulder coming out of place and his elbow snapping, but he made no obvious sign of pain or discomfort.

It all makes her stomach roll.

"Beland? Raven?" Lexa asks them questioningly.

They both fall quiet in concentration before they sigh and shake their heads.

The undead have no thoughts. He's not a man-child of the glowing forest any longer, that boy is gone. Replaced with a mindless rabid hunger and about to become a symbol of the new battle before them.

* * *

Entering the throne room to reconvene the meeting is not a particularly joyous or victorious moment for Lexa as you might expect.

Yes, she's brought proof of the new and previously unseen threat, but at what cost?

Not only was she, as Clarke not to wrongly put it, 'sneaking out' with Raven when sleep was hard to come by, not only was she hiding that and a few other things from her wife, but she hid a member of her coalition from his own people to _wait for him to die._

Just to see if he would come back.

 _A twisted science experiment indeed_ , Clarke wasn't wrong about that either.

She feels horrible about it all, of course she does, but she also had few other options. Previous teachings that love is weakness have been proven misguided and devastatingly wrong, but the underlying message that the duty she has to her people has to come first remains ever present and true. Doing this, in such a way, is to protect the many at the expense of a few.

After all, what also remains true is that victory stands on the back of sacrifice. Lexa's fighting two battles, black and white does not exist for her. Good and bad are one and the same at different times.

That's something that Clarke and her know very well though they can occasionally land on different sides of the situation. Her belief that she _had_ to make this choice is all that keeps her feet moving at a steady pace as she enters the room, followed by a walking, jaw snapping corpse that's controlled by the sword of her wife.

 _The walking dea_ d, the first that they've seen, Commanded by the Commander of Death herself.

Needless to say, the throne room doesn't bow like they typically do when the leaders enter; Lexa lets it slide, knowing they would have had they not been assaulted by the startling view.

Silence echoes around the sounds of scuffling feet and a corpse making noises, as Lexa and the group take their positions. She stands in front of the throne, taking in the various expressions around the room.

"Well, shit." Luna breaks the lingering silence and some of the tension.

Shaw elbows her in the ribs but her eyes are glued to Clarke and the not so dead man, she's hiding her fear well. Those in the room well trained in battle and death know he should not be moving, let alone walking; they watch with guarded eyes, hands twitching for blades that may or may not be there.

Heda has brought proof of the new enemy, the previously unseen threat and her and Raven bought Clarke and Lexa time to keep the clans from invading Azgeda.

 _Or so they thought._

Hours later, Clarke still holding the struggling man with her sword, hears the shouts saying Azgeda could be behind this as well. The finger pointing continues and she fights the urge to roll her eyes. She's tired, drained from today and the physical effort of holding the boy, but glad to find that his strength and speed is waning. His binds still hold his hand tight though they have broken the skin and rest on bone now. Frustrated and tired, She also fights the urge to shout at Paul for making the suggestion but refrains, understanding his desire to get justice for the tragic fate of his young scout.

"He did not travel from Azgeda," Raven says to him, an air of fatigue in her own voice, "we located him in the borderlands, returning from the southeast.

"The _southeast?_ He should have been in the north!"

Lexa turns to look at Paul, pouncing on his slip, " _the north? Had I not forbade your clan from searching there a month ago?"_

The room pauses at her question, everyone knowing the answer.

Paul swallows, _"sha, Heda_."

" _And you defied me?_ "

Again, not really a question that required an answer.

Paul glance around the room before clearing his throat, "I _had little choice. My people wouldn't stand for waiting, they sought proof."_

" _Proof that may or may not be in Azgeda."_ Lexa says forcefully coming to a stand, " _your efforts came to nothing, your efforts impeded progress we could have made elsewhere. Trikru and Skaikru were searching the north, unknowingly passing the very areas your people were."_

She's visibly angry, Clarke doesn't blame her, Paul has hindered their progress by this move, had he put his scouts where they directed they would have searched more land instead of some places more than once. The urge to yell and smack his stupid ass upside the head grows.

"I apologize commander, I was just trying to do what is best for my people."

"As we all are," Lexa states, eyes pointed, fixed on the now trembling man. A challenge.

He bows his head and falls to his knees, wisely choosing not to take it.

"No one else has made a move to defy their orders despite increasing pressures from their people," Lexa points out, an obvious dig at his weakness and inability to properly lead. "Your actions require punishment, you question your leaders decisions and defy their order. I should throw you from this tower!" Lexa seethes, she glances around the room, letting her threat sink in.

They've seen it before, and for lesser reasons. Lexa has every right to kill those she does not trust; it's partially what has kept her alive in her reign much longer than her predecessors.

Lexa raises her chin and stands firm, hands clasped at the elbows, behind her back. "I am not going to do that; instead, before we continue I make a motion to have Paul removed from his role and advocate that his wife Sameen take his position," Lexa says to the room after a moments deliberation.

Sameen has always been quite apt when she and Lexa met at gatherings and would discuss coalition proceedings. Her conversations had always led her to believe she was the one speaking in Paul's ear on matters, as often, she would hear her words from his mouth verbatim. Though she rarely attends polis councils she's smart, well informed, and aware of a bigger picture versus what she's shown. She has foresight, where Paul lacks it.

Also, Sameen is present today for the meeting because _Lexa requested_ it and Paul won't fly from the tower because _Sameen requested_ it; Lexa knew about Paul's move the day after he made it, informed by his wife, she simply needed proof from the horses mouth to prevent any who would question her motives for removing him (she doesn't need any more trouble). She has every right to kill the man, proven to be untrustworthy in his position, but doing so at this stage would be unwise. Her threat was for show to all but her and his wife, Sameen and Lexa had agreed to this course of action a month ago.

Clarke's knowing glance that Lexa catches confirms that she's caught on to what happened behind the scenes without any of them knowing it, even her. There's an apology in her eyes that Clarke doesn't think she needs, but a second later, the now apparent slight she feels when she runs this little secret over again in her head says otherwise. Then, before she can stop herself her mind wanders to how secrets began to build up between them, guilty of it herself, her heart pangs for them both. Sure, they can read each other like a book, cover to cover, but she never realized they should also be reading between the lines.

Clarke watches Lexa take a beat of eye contact with her before she finally looks away to nod at Raven.

The flamekeeper clears her throat and steps forward on cue, too ready to move - making Clarke aware that Raven knew this secret long before she did. (The jealous monster inside her seethes despite her wishes.)

"Those in favour raise your right hand." _Those opposed, go float yourself,_ Raventhinks, allowing Lexa to hear it and earning a small twitch at the corner of her lip. It's Something she does often now, a goal she's placed before herself to see if she can get the mask to slip, for Lexa to fall out of Heda's character like a skit in Saturday night live; to get her smiling again. She just misses her bro, the Lexa that she grew to know and love, the one who had finally started _living._ She's trying to get her back, little by little, to remind her that life goes on, that they all have battle scars, that she too can build a brace for hers. Perhaps, even that love and laughter is the way to do it.

The hands in the room rose unanimously, Sameen's included, at the call for a vote.

Lexa glares at Paul before speaking, " _the coalition has spoken. there is little happening in my nations without me knowing, you will do well to remember that."_ He nods solemnly and rises from his seat, allowing his wife to take his place.

Watching the scene unfold, the room is shook back to the other issue at hand as the walking corpse chooses this moment to shift on Clarke's sword, finally tearing a gaping hole through his torso and freeing himself as he lunges for Lexa. Her body, years of training and blessed muscle memory kicking in and taking over, quickly moves to avoid his snapping lunge. Just getting out of the way as Clarkes sword swings to land a blow on his hip, slowing him down again. Lexa moves another step, her long regal coat and sash floating as she's launching a rounded kick to his back forcing him behind the throne and towards the balcony.

The momentum carries him, he stumbles onward, and Lexa helps him along with another straight kick sending him off the towers high window. The sickening crunch is heard ringing out through the city and up to the tower. The room collectively stills as Clarke and Lexa move with Raven to peer over the edge.

The dead man is finally moving no more.

As soon as they turn around, shouts erupt in the room, both worried and furious at what they witnessed, not at what Lexa had been forced to do, but at what it took to finally end him. Chaos runs rampant once more in the form of shouts and Lexa lets it, always finding it easier to control the room after the pent up energy is expelled. Letting them know they are being heard. She stands, not winded at all, as if nothing happened, with her hands behind her back in the midst of the yelling, eyes coolly observing the room.

It's Clarke that is having a hard time, her chest is the one that's heaving, her mind that's reeling with images of a hundred years ago mingling with what she's seen for their future. She blinks and glanced at her wife, her slight panic attack making itself known to Lexa swiftly as she feels her wife send calming waves over her to help soothe it.

Then Clarke receives a nod from Lexa, granting her permission to leave while she continues the meeting. Clarke pulls Raven with her and together they flame down to remove the body. She needs to calm down, she needs time to think, to process, but they can't risk rumours and fear spreading or even someone unknowingly contracting the disease through the spread of his blood.

There is still work to be done.


	8. Chapter 8

"So, on a scale of 1 to _Wanheda,_ how pissed are you at us?" Raven asks eventually when they put the body in a private room where they will draw blood that will be taken to Abby and Jackson for analysis.

Clarke finishes washing her hands and pointedly looks at her friend, " _Wanheda_."

Raven cringes dramatically, "Come on, Clarke. The rover is safe, no one knew that Lexa was in there."

"That doesn't matter, it's very clearly a _Skaikru_ vehicle, any of our enemies could try to stop it _regardless_ of the cargo it carried." Clarke sighs, "not to mention you both took off without telling anyone! _Multiple_ _times_!"

"Clarke-"

"What if you didn't come back? What if he turned and got you both before you got him into a cell? One bite Raven, that's all it would take. Not to mention, What would have happened if the vehicle did break down or was attacked? Then where would you two be? Where would I be? Where would Octavia be?" Clarke spits out, She has a sinking feeling her best friend doesn't know about their late night rides either. She highly doubts Octavia's reaction would be much different from her own.

Raven's undoubtedly smartass remark dies in her throat as Clarke glares at her, the unmistakable proof for Clarke that she was right in thinking Octavia too had no idea of their escapades.

The mechanic runs a hand through her hair after a moment in the silent standoff, resigning she sighs, "I'm sorry, _okay_? You're right. We should have told you guys."

Clarke stares at her for a second longer before nodding once, "yeah...You should have." _You should have told us lots of things._ She can't help but think it, though she knows Raven is not to blame, nor Lexa for that matter - Clarke knows she started this thread of secrets the night she met Ontari in the woods.

Maybe that's why they hurt so much _._

 _Secrets and guilt to a heart so pure go hand in hand._

She feels dirty, has so for weeks, yet her own secrets remain intact as she continues to stare at one of the people who is well aware of the weight of the secret she keeps; one of two people that she knows will keep it as long as she needs them to.

She understands that Lexa has revealed a few things to Raven, or discussed things with her she has yet to with Clarke; she believes she understands _why_ she's done it as well. Lexa needed a different outlet, as they all do, she needed to talk to someone else, maybe find understanding from a different source other than just Clarke. After all, Clarke relies on her friends - why shouldn't Lexa have that luxury as well.

It just doesn't make it hurt any less.

An awkward silence falls over them as Clarke leans her side against the table, crossing her arms over her chest. "Is it helping," she finally asks, her voice quiet, full of remorse that Raven understands.

Raven lowers her optical device that she was using to examine the body and slowly turns to look at Clarke as if she's considering her words.

"We've been doing it for about a week or so now, do _you_ notice a difference?"

Clarke furrows her brow, _"a week_?" She pauses and thinks more on Lexa. "I guess? Although, she's still sneaking out in the middle of the night to be with you so... Who can tell?"

She didn't mean it to sound so bitter but really it couldn't be helped. (She's just so tired.) Clarke makes to busy herself after that particular vulnerable moment, to draw various amounts of blood for her mother and Jackson, as well as a little extra for Raven's own study.

Raven rolls her eyes before fixing Clarke with a very poignant stare she can feel burning into the side of her head, "she's not doing it to 'be with me', _Jealous_. So relax. Lexa can't sleep, or won't let herself properly sleep, which I know you know, so cut her some slack."

 _Girl, she is trying._

Uh oh, here comes the word vomit with a hint of petty jealousy on the side...

"She never had an issue falling asleep beside me before, our nightmares were always kept a bay when we were together," Clarke vulnerably says to her, keeping her eyes on the corpse and literally anywhere other than her friend.

Damn her and her ability to see multiple sides of the issue.

Raven sighs, "Clarke, she can't relax because she fears disrupting this other 'her's' life because she can't deal with her own reality right now and thinks she'll try and reach out again. Lexa is restless, she carries the same weight on her shoulders that you do; she feels trapped by the situations before you guys and she's trying to help herself feel useful, like she's making progress. So yeah, we take the rover out and run some search patterns when we can't sleep. I know you understand that need."

Raven pauses, waiting for Clarke to acknowledge that she's speaking, when she catches the glance she continues, "Your wife's a protector, a proverbial symbol of safety, and she's trying to protect everyone, us, you, and this other her... _Everyone_."

Clarke bites at her cheeks, mulling over Ravens words, trying to hide the way she bristles at the knowledge that Raven knows and understands things Clarke does not. _Not yet._ Things Clarke knows deep down but her own worries and insecurities twisting it in her gut and muddling her view. Head and heart, for one of the few times ever for Clarke, are struggling to see eye-to-eye today.

Her mind whirls trying to go back to being consciously aloof all while suffering from bitter jealousy at their sleep deprived bonding sessions. She briefly wonders if she should get over her issues with the rover and ask to join in one night. She wants to feel included but doesn't want to interfere.

But mostly, she's concerned with Lexa's safety and mental health, so she tries to push the jealousy further down. She started this spiral of hurt feelings and deceptions, and now she must deal with it.

To bear it like she should.

Clarke doesn't know how much longer she can keep this up. She feels stretched thin. Tired. So tired.

" _Clarke_?" Raven questions when she does not respond.

Clarke blinks to clear a bit of the mess in her mind, "yeah?"

"You doin' alright?" Raven watches her carefully.

Clarke nods, "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." Lie.

"Clarke." Raven knows it's a lie, mind reader or not. She watches her intently, waiting for the truth.

Clarke sighs this time, "okay. I'm not exactly fine, nothing is really fine, but I don't think you're the one I need to talk to in order to fix it."

Raven nods in agreement, "Probably not."

Clarke sets down the vial of blood she had drawn, "we've never had real secrets before..." She says quietly.

Raven nods, bites at her lip and awkwardly clears her throat, "Everyone has secrets, Clarke."

Clarke shakes her head, "Not us. We aren't supposed to anyways." She furrows her brow and shakes the blood vial in front of her face walking the purplish goo move, " _Sameen_? You knew that as well?"

Raven pauses and nods, "Yes, but not because Lexa told me..."

Clarke glances at her as she lowers the vial into the holder.

Raven shrugs like the answer should be obvious, _and maybe it is_ , "I _read_ _thoughts_ , Clarke. You and Lexa may be able to block me out when you wish but Sameen can't. I only knew since the day before yesterday when she arrived. Saw her in the tavern after speaking with Lexa with a large drink- _What_?" Raven exclaims when Clarke's gaze becomes slightly, let's call it, _'judgy_. Raven waves it off, "I was curious and it was a slow night, I mean she was _right_ _there_ ," Raven defends. "Couldn't resist."

Clarke's face softens because she could laugh at herself, or Raven, she isn't sure. Maybe it's just the relief in confirmation that Lexa had tried to keep that secret quiet to _everyone_ , and _not just her._ Maybe it's the knowledge that a buzzed Raven is an ever-curious Raven just with less inhibitions.

Rationally, it makes sense for Lexa to be quite mum about the whole thing; she had to keep the knowledge she had of Paul's disobedience quiet if her plan to keep order, while removing a member of standing to be replaced with one she had already chosen was to occur as smoothly as it did. As well, She certainly couldn't have the agreement to spare Paul that she made with Sameen to come out in the open or it would come off as special treatment, unequal standards, and undoubtedly cause the fragile coalition to shatter and the price on their heads to rise. Lexa made the best move she could; and quite honestly, it's what Clarke would have done as well. (Go fucking figure.)

Clarke gets why she did it, she simply needed the vulnerable side of her, the one that feels slightly disconnected with her wife, to catch up to logic.

For a second, she is feeling lighter, before her own culpability and remorse swells again as if reminding her that she carries a much larger secret. That she started this worry of deception and vulnerability by being deceptive in the first place. _Seriously though,_ she thinks, _fuck Ontari._ She blames her as much as she blames herself; it's easier that way.

It's not.

Not really, and her face seems to show it because she's pretty sure she's blocking Raven from actually reading her mind right now but she speaks like she knows.

"Hey, you need to cut yourself some slack as well Griff. Your secrets aren't malicious or made with the intent to hurt each other, or even particularly to keep the other from getting hurt. Your situation is unique," Raven tells her when she falls quiet again, purposefully looking anywhere then at her friend.

"Yeah, but that doesn't make it right or make me feel any better, Rae. It's not going to make it hurt less when Lexa finds out about my working with Ontari... It doesn't prevent me from feeling hurt by her secrets either..." She can't help wondering what else she's in the dark about. S _he's fucking paranoid._

Clarke blinks, _that's just great. I'm going to be one of those wives, except I won't be worried she's cheating on me, I'll be worried she's hiding something that'll get herself killed._

 _Perfect._

Clarke hears Raven exhale as if it pains her, what causes the reaction, she isn't quite sure, but Raven speaks before she can dwell on it.

"To have secrets is to be human, Clarke, we all hide something from someone. The circumstances behind yours left you little choice. You two are trying to protect everyone and with that responsibility there will be times when you don't agree or maybe need to keep the other from knowing certain things. Eventually, you know you'll have to reveal them, you'll come clean and I believe you made these choices _with_ the intent to reveal when appropriate." Clarke silently absorbs what her friend is saying while chewing her lip like it's giving her sustenance.

Raven gives her a sympathetic smile, "You did the best you could with the information and situation at the time," Raven repeats as she finishes, one hand gently on Clarke's back, letting the blonde find comfort in the touch.

After a moment, Clarke gathers herself and thanks her friend quietly, before they begin wrapping the body for burning. "So, what are you hiding," Clarke asks quietly, her mind unable to stop thinking about their conversation despite her efforts.

Raven's hands pause for a brief second like she wasn't expecting the question. She clears her throat awkwardly, "who me?"

Clarke tilts her head and gestures open palmed to the room, the room that consists of her, Raven and the corpse, to which she then points at, "Well _, he won't be speaking up_ , so _yeah_."

Raven doesn't smile like Clarke expects. She does, but it's not as full as she's used to, regardless, Raven replies like the asshole she is, "it could have been rhetorical, I mean technically he is _hiding_ something - it's just in his blood."

"Your deflection needs work," Clarke tells her, oddly impatient, still waiting for an answer.

"Does it?" Raven asks, seriousness in her voice and features.

"Yeah, that was horrible. Pretty weak."

"I resent that. They were valid points! This guy is going to tell us what we need to know about this infection."

"You think?" Clarke hears herself ask before she stops and blinks. She cocks a brow as she catches herself biting into Raven's avoidance of the question, maybe her deflection doesn't need work after all, she'd almost applaud at how easy Raven made that seem. Clarke shakes her head, _damn her,_ "damn you."

Raven smirks and shrugs, "it was worth a shot."

"So, are you going to tell me what you're hiding?"

Raven finishes her part of the wrap with a grunt, a scowl at the pungent smell and a shrug, she gives herself a moment and then she sort of bursts.

"I'm human, Clarke. I'm hiding a lot of things, are you referring to how I'm hiding me losing my virginity to not Finn but a girl from farm station named Amanda? Or how I'm hiding that my baby toes are double jointed and I'm super self conscious about it? Or how about me hiding that I'm self-conscious about _being_ self-conscious over my goddamn toes? How about me hiding that Finn never spacewalked, that it was actually me and he took the fall to save my life? Or how about me hiding that I'm worried about O worrying that she and I may not be soulmates? Or how about the fact that Le- _ha-ho-hoooly shit-_ " she cuts herself off before she can divulge the next secret, screwing her eyes up as she does it and breathing deep.

Whatever was coming out next is now seemingly a grenade she's trying to swallow.

Clarke's not sure when her mouth began to drop during Ravens rant but she's fairly certain it occurred somewhere between the baby toes and mentions of Finn and then hit the floor when she heard about Octavia's fears.

Thankfully, she recovers and snaps her jaw closed, taking a breath before she speaks.

"...Fine, don't tell me." Clarke surprises herself when she attempts to joke, hoping it lands and doesn't explode in her face. She's not even sure where to go with half of what Raven may or may not have meant to reveal, or for that matter, even at what she didn't say at all, what she stopped herself from saying.

(She's not stupid, she heard the beginning of Lexa's name and it's taking everything in her not to ask.)

Raven turns to her and a snort that turns into a weak chuckle breaks her lips as a small grin grows. " _Ass_ ," Raven mutters as she goes back to helping Clarke finish her job on the wrappings. It's awkward as what's left could hardly be described as a body at this point; falling over 100ft would do that to you.

Following her lead, Clarke lets it go (for now) as a thick silence falls over them. Clarke wonders what Ravens brain is grinding over, wondering if she's waiting for Clarke to acknowledge her revelations, wondering if she's silently preparing to defend herself physically should Clarke inquire again.

So she says nothing and Raven seems grateful.

It's not until just after they have instructed the guards posted at the rooms doors, _'to not allow anyone entrance without one of us or Heda'_ , that Clarke feels she can no longer _not_ address some of what Raven said.

Or at the very least, be there if she needs to talk.

She clears her throat as they walk through the halls, "so... did you want to talk about it?"

Raven pointedly glances at Clarke before looking back to the direction they're headed, "I'm going to assume you don't mean Finn."

Clarke softly chuckles, "no, I don't mean Finn. I'm actually not surprised about the whole Raven spacewalking and Finn covering for you thing - that sounds exactly like him..." she trails off thinking of the young man that the ground quickly destroyed.

"Yeah," Raven murmurs quietly. Clarke reaches down to hold her hand in comfort while they walk. Raven squeezes back in thanks and doesn't move to disengage them.

"So... Octavia..." Clarke prompts after a few seconds, not really sure if Ravens going to deflect again.

Raven nods, "yeah..." she catches a breath before her voice breaks a bit and it kills Clarke a little, "she uh, I don't know, she... she told me she wasn't sure if we were soulmates not too long ago. I mean, it was stupid and naive of me to ask, but I just- for me, she's it you know? I wanted to hear it from her..."

Clarke squeezes Ravens hand a little tighter as she fights the tears threatening to fall at the emotion in her friend's voice. It's obviously a shitty situation and the two of them have been through so much, they found each other and stuck by each other no matter what, they don't deserve this bump in their road. Especially not when things are so epically fucked up. She's also wondering when soulmates came to mean they were the 'be all end all' of love. As far as she's concerned, you can love someone who is not your soulmate and appreciate and revel in it all the same. It can be just as wonderful, just as easy, and just as tough; can be as much of a weakness as it is strength.

Love is love is love.

"I've gone over it a lot, Clarke," she looks a her very seriously to emphasize, " _a lot,_ and as far as I'm concerned we are. We may not be as flashy and _poetically queer_ as you two, but I firmly believe _, no, I feel,_ that I've found her here and I'll find her in every life. Octavia, that wild thing, she's it for every me."

Clarke tries to smile as Raven bravely speaks so passionately, it's rare to see her bare like this - no jokes, no tough shell, no cussing. She can't imagine the pain of knowing or feeling something so deeply ingrained inside of you and then not having it reciprocated by your partner.

"Soulmates can't be one-sided, they just can't be. It doesn't work that way," Raven whispers, almost to herself.

She doesn't know what to say.

"Raven..."

 _Pathetic_. _Do better._

Clarke mentally shakes her head and starts again, her heart now aching for both Raven and Octavia, both in a difficult position, "...do you think... that is to say, ...does she maybe feel guilty?" Her mind travels to Finn, how quickly and how strongly she felt for Lexa, so much so that she gave in to her feelings, couldn't deny them, and kissed her back. Then, _not yet_ came out of her mouth, a breathy, twisted mixture of desire and guilt, of want and pain and salvation. All because of timing, all because of a first love that was lost in a desperate situation.

She has a feeling she knows where Octavia is coming from. (She makes a mental note to check in with Gus' current babysitter.)

Raven stops walking at her words and turns to look at Clarke's face, she looks mildly terrifying.

" _What_?" She demands.

Clarke's eyes widen, she swallows thickly before she opens her mouth, "Maybe she feels guilty?"

Raven blinks.

She blinks again and tilts her head. Her face softens, but frowns.

Clarke blinks.

"Rae?"

Raven blinks a few more times as if coming out of a trance and tilts her head back straight.

"Rae?" Clarke jiggles the hand she's holding in attempts to get her to respond. Raven seems dazed.

Raven mutters something Clarke doesn't quite catch and turns her body to look away. Clarke moves to get in her line of sight again, hands gently gripping at her, "Raven you're freaking me out here, I've never heard such a _loud_ silence before..." she's never heard _so much silence_ from Raven as she has today as a matter of fact; _please don't explode, please doesn't explode_ , Clarke chants.

 _"Lincoln_ ," Raven finally whispers through reddening eyes.

Clarke swallows and moves the hand that's not gripping Raven's own to rub Ravens arm.

"All this time, so much has been going on... I forgot... I didn't think... she never said anything... _Lincoln_..." it's breathy, painful, full of remorse and compassion.

Clarke's not really sure what to make of that. Although, she knows and acknowledges that Octavia, the grounder born in the sky, is a little less likely to express herself, less likely to show weakness, especially if it's going to hurt someone she loves.

And Clarke is extremely impressed that Raven respects and loves Octavia so much that though the situation could be a little more clear had she listened to her thoughts - she obviously didn't.

"I'm not saying she thinks he is her soulmate," Clarke blurts out, in hopes to clarify, a somewhat poor attempt to make Raven feel better. "I'm not saying that she feels guilty being with you, thought she very well could at times- I don't even know, she hasn't said anything of the sort anyways; I'm saying she maybe won't say it because she feels guilty about betraying Lincoln's memory in a way."

Raven is full on crying now, if the tears are any proof, which they must be because aside from that Raven doesn't really seem to be moving. Clarke's certain to produce that many tears you'd have to be visibly sobbing, chest heaving and hyperventilating.

Raven, ever the wildcard, is able to speak relatively clearly, though it is slightly choked.

"Shut up Clarke, I know what you mean. I... I just never even considered guilt." She blinks and looks into blue eyes, "can you believe I have all this advanced spiritual gift shit going on in my head and I never considered one of the most human emotions to exist?"

Clarke furrows her brow, confused by the tears and the utter curiosity in Ravens face right now. "Umm..."

"Even if it is guilt from being with me and thinking he's the one; or being with me, feeling that I'm the one, and feeling guilty for his death, it makes sense. They ended things before he fell and she was there to see him go, what they had was real, Lincoln was real..." she swallows and looks a Clarke a little softly, "her and I, _we're real too, Clarke._ " She whispers.

Clarke nods slowly but surely, she knows deep down it's true. She sees their connection, she sees how they ground each other and guide each other.

Lincoln _was real_ ; Lincoln taught Octavia life on the ground, introduced her to love, blossomed her like the sun would a flower, but Raven was _home_.

Raven taught her how to _live_.

Clarke has never seen a pair that could bounce so fluidly between easy jibes and soft, passionate devotion. Clarke feels it deep inside and sees it in the two of them each day - Octavia and Raven are two halves of one whole. They're a perfect storm of personality, cursing and good hearts.

Clarke watches Raven a few seconds longer before speaking, thinking through her next words carefully. "The important thing is that you know what she means to you, whether you are soulmates or not, it doesn't matter, all that matters is what you have found in each other. You know that right?"

Raven nods slowly, but before she can answer Clarke says one more thing, "and for the record, I do think you two are the real thing… I've been there, you know," Clarke squeezes Raven against her in a hug, "Just give her time."

"Thanks, Clarke." Raven pulls out of the hug a few seconds later, she lets out a wet chuckle, "Lexa said I had to do the same thing."

Clarke smiles and wipes at her own tears, "Well, she would know, she _did_ the same thing."

They begin to walk back down the hall. Raven seems a little lighter, the dawn of understanding bringing the dark cloud off of her. Clarke's glad she could help and she knows she needs to get Octavia to spill her guts on this next. She knows her well, she knows if she keeps whatever this is all inside she'll break, and she can't have that. She needs Octavia. _They need Octavia._

Clarke and Raven don't make it very far before footsteps echo ahead of them and Lexa comes rushing into view.

"Clarke? Are you alright?" Lexa questions, hurrying her pace as Clarke steps forward. "I came as soon as I could get away."

"Yeah. I'm fine, we're fine," Clarke says as she puts her hands on Lexa's waist, like magnets drawn to each other, before she can stop herself, her body closes the distance until she's pressed right against her wife soaking in the comfort of her presence. Hands wrapped around her lithe body and absentmindedly clutching at her like she's keeping her from drowning.

Like she always is.

Lexa embraces her back, hands protectively encompassing her, naturally holding her close and looking from her to Raven questioningly.

Raven, to her credit, bounces back first, "Jesus, you two are gross; Clarke, you really got _that_ emotional that your wife felt it? So much so that she came rushing down here?"

Clarke glares at her from Lexa's side, once, again amazed at Raven's ability to emotionally bare herself and then slap you with the asshole side of her. The resiliency of Raven is always astounding. She's always been constant.

"Everything's fine, Lex," Raven continues, "Your wife's just making me realize I'm an idiot." She claps her on the shoulder as she continues passed them to give them a moment alone with a wink in thanks to Clarke.

"Clarke?" Lexa checks in for confirmation, rubbing her back and making no move to follow Raven just yet.

Clarke smiles against her chest, relishing that Lexa came searching for her once again at the sign of distress, "Everything's okay, just a little heart to heart that went a little deeper than expected."

"I would have come sooner-"

"-You didn't have to come at all."

Clarke feels a hand caress the back of her head pulling her closer, "yet, I always will," ghosts past her ears in a hushed whisper, a promise, a vow she made long ago.

Things are heavy between them still, Clarke riddled with guilt and secrets, paranoia and wondering what Lexa's hiding - knowing that Raven knows something, but still they find their common ground. Difficulties arise, a push and pull exists in every relationship – soulmates or not- and Clarke is grateful they can lean on each other. With everything that's been going on, they've all be struggling with a multitude of things, a lot of it emotional. Things have been hard to deal with while trying to see through sorrow of loss.

They all have to do better. She has to do better.

So she begins to make a plan.

Lexa and her need to hash it all out. They've made small strides but without baring themselves clean of the secrecy they can't move forward, not really.

She also needs to talk to Octavia; she needs to check in beyond their professional relationship, which once again has become the focus of their interaction. This time, she hasn't realized until now, that she wasn't the one driving that, now that she thinks on it, Octavia's the one that's been extra focused on her duties lately - even for her.

However, her previous thought threatens to go out the window when they reach Raven and O's bedroom. They find Octavia and Raven with a little baby Gus cooing between them with-

" _You gave him a moustache again_?" She exclaims before she sees the added monocle on his left eye. Clarke has to elbow Lexa lightly in the ribs for beginning to laugh at it.

" _What_?" Lexa exclaims, feigning pain, "Look at that and try to tell me it's not the cutest thing you've ever seen," Lexa lights up and every word brought her closer to the baby before she scooped him up. Gus immediately begins laughing and his tiny fists begin yanking at her braids in his excitement.

And Clarke, powerless against the scene, melts internally as his excitement reflects the buzzing in her chest and the smile on Lexa's face. Full, toothy and stealing Clarke's breath away.

She comes closer and kisses Lexa on the cheek, lips lingering by her ear, "he is pretty cute, but I won't be the one fighting him to wash it out of his nose later."

Lexa laughs and a mischievous glint enters her eyes. "Oh, _neither_ _will I_ ," she finished with a smirk and a head tilt at Raven and Octavia, who immediately begin bartering bribes with each other on who will have to deal with the crying baby that will protest their cleaning.

Lexa sits down with Gus and Clarke joins her poking at his tummy and having him kick and giggle as she tickles him. He's cradled in Lexa's arms and Clarke can't stop fucking glowing at the two of them and causing the candles in the room to bloom and flicker bright.

For a moment, worry and doubt, guilt and pain, do go out the window.

This is what it's about, pockets of peace and tranquility, brief moments of solace and safety, warmth and light that make all the darkness in this world worth it.

Moments that remind her life really is about more than just surviving.


	9. Chapter 9

Leaving Clarke and Lexa's room, Octavia has her arm draped around ravens lower back as her girlfriends arm lies lazily over her shoulders keeping her close. Soft smiles are on their face as they just left the undeniably cute scene of lexa sprawled graciously on the couch with Clarke and the baby dozing and drooling and draped across her using her like a matress.

"I'm happy for them," raven says quietly before laying a kiss to Octavia's temple as she murmurs her agreement. "I'm going to make fun of lexa for it tomorrow relentlessly, but I'm happy for them."

"I know you are babe."

They laugh softly as they pass dim braziers along their path to their room.

They walk quietly after that; Octavia slowing up so naturally to match ravens slightly hindered gait. The walk may be quiet now, but her mind certainly is not as she unconsciously grips her girlfriends hip a little tighter. In the wake of the family scene she just left, Octavia has been going over her own happiness, the source of it. Thinking about her own family and her own recent withdrawal from some of it, and now the additional tension of all that she's learned has been kept from her about ravens dangerous late night rides.

"You wanna talk about it?" Raven murmurs quietly as they reach their room. Whether she was listening to her thoughts or she just knows her that well Octavia doesn't ask as she passes raven Popping the door open for the her and hearing it close behind them.

Octavia sighs and begins to take off her small pieces of armour dropping them haphazardly in her path across the lavish room. She says nothing for a moment continuing her path like normal. (Ravens surprisingly good at dodging the minefield now.)

"That's a loaded question isn't it?" Octavia finally asks, dropping a final leather to the floor and turning to face raven in only her leather pants, boots and small top. "Kind of broad," she elaborates.

Raven purses her lips and nods sympathetically, sighing before she sits on the couch to take the weight off her leg. She gingerly extends it before beginning to loosen the straps on her brace while Octavia slips her own boots off.

Octavia walks over quietly in her bare feet, kneeling and gently pushing ravens hands away before she says "let me," in the most tender gravelly husk ravens ever heard from her. In a way that touches her so completely she's momentarily lost in the force kneeling before her.

Raven swallows as she watches Octavia slowly remove the various buckles that strap her in, hands lingering tenderly as she pulls and holds ravens somewhat useless leg with such care and compassion that the mechanic is continuing to be lost in her movements and silent praising though it is Octavia is kneeling.

And then her friend Guilt comes banging in her ears and on her heart, as she remembers her conversation with Clarke from earlier. She softly smiles as she leans forward again and places her hands on Octavia's to stop her motions.

"Hey," she says waiting for Octavia to look at her, "talk to me."

Octavia gives her a weak smile knowing raven could easily just focus and hear her thoughts but respects her enough to not invade her privacy like that.

"Yell at me?," raven tries again with a tilt in her brow when the brunette doesn't answer right away.

Octavia huffs a small laugh, "that's more likely," she mutters.

Raven controls a small smile of her own, catching her sharp gaze she nods at Octavia as if to say ' _go on, I can take it,_ " but Octavia hears ' _go on, I deserve it'_ in her head.

The small warrior shakes her head as if to say no, but when she hears raven tell her again in her mind, she breaks and everything she's been holding in since she found out about the secrets raven had kept comes out in a rushed mocking shout as she stands, "for a genius, you're a god damned idiot raven reyes!"

Ravens eyes follow her up into the stand as she frowns and nods as if to agree, half strapped on brace Long forgotten.

Octavia rolls her eyes, "I wanna yell at you, be angry with you, but at the same time I want to hold on to you and love you and ask you _why!"_

"So yell, scream at me, ask me why! What's stopping you," raven says remarkably calm but tone somewhat challenging.

Octavia stares at her a moment, chest rising and falling fast and chin jarring around like she's chewing on something.

Maybe she is.

"Octavia." Raven prompts again.

The brunette frowns and then steps back and turns around, hiding her face, "how can I?"

Raven looks from the brace to her girlfriends back watching her form deflate, shoulders sag. She doesn't move or dare to breathe, afraid to break the moment, urging her silently to continue. This will only work if they talk.

Finally, the silence breaks and even though it's hard to hear she sends silent thanks to whoever is listening that it happened.

"You owe me nothing raven. You owe me no explanations and I can't expect any when you ask none of me. Not even when you keep pulling these crazy dangerous stunts with the half-cocked heda at your side!" Her outburst ends with hands flailing before falling to her side again.

And it's true. Raven has never asked Octavia of anything, but she's always selflessly been whatever Octavia needed, whenever she needed it.

"When Lincoln was..." Octavia takes a deep breath as her gravelly voice wavers, "when Lincoln was alive, while I was in love with him, you were there. When I went to you instead of him, when all I could offer you was friendship, you were there, you stayed...for me." She turns slowly to meet ravens soft gaze, her voice falling ever softer, "I knew... Deep down, I knew it was more for you..." she swallows as she gazes a little more deeply into ravens chestnut eyes and quietly reveals, "I knew it was more for me as well."

"O," raven whispers, eyes reddening with the urgency to tear.

Octavia chuckles a somewhat watery laugh as she's caught by her emotions and bewilderment of the woman before her, "You would have stood by, you would have let me love him, give myself to him, bind myself to him, while I kept you holding my hand on the side. Catching me when My smile fell. You would have sacrificed your heart for me Raven."

Raven swallows and nods, unable to hide the truth. After all, _She did_ , from the moment their connection began all those months ago at the drop ship she sacrificed a piece of herself everyday Octavia wasn't hers, even though she didn't understand what it was back then. Even now, She wouldn't have regret any of it had it gone that way; had she remained as Lincolns, raven would have given all of herself, day by day, just to have Octavia in any capacity. even if it broke her. Day by day.

"You're selfless Rae," Octavia continues with a passionate burn, stepping forward again and kneeling once more in front of her. She grasps her hands and kisses each palm, "I've thought about it, _a lot_ ," she emphasizes, "and I- I don't deserve you."

"No." Raven sputters out through tears she never felt begin to fall, "hey no, that's not true."

Octavia gives her a watery smile before releasing her hands and continuing on the brace straps as if she needed something to do. She buys herself a moment to compose herself as she continues her tender touches as she removes the straps, "it is true." She glances at raven briefly, "I wouldn't have done that."

Raven tilts her head as Octavia goes back to work, before she can ask Octavia continues.

"I thought about it," she says almost to herself, stronger than before, "if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be able to sacrifice my heart for you like that."

Well... that hurts.

"Ouch." Raven mutters, withdrawing slightly.

Octavia swears, "fuck. That's- that's not what I meant." She tugs the brace loose and sets it on the table carefully, buying herself time to find her words. She crawls closer to place herself between ravens legs, lifts a little on her knees and reaches up to cup her cheek with her left hand as her right rubs at the previously braced leg gently loosening the muscles. "I wouldn't have been able to do what you would have done, I wouldn't have been able to stop fighting for us... for you. Had it been the other way around I wouldn't sacrifice this." Her hand gestures between them.

The moment hangs between the two. A silent acknowledgement of what Octavia is revealing without saying.

 _She believes_ , Raven thinks.

Raven reaches up to cup the hand on her cheek as Octavia's thumb brushes a tear away, "that's because you're selfish," she says with a lilt in her voice.

Octavia's serious face slowly breaks into laughter as raven joins her before Octavia leans in and kisses her lips effectively swallowing ravens laughter.

"You're an ass," Octavia murmurs against her lips.

Raven just laughs as Octavia moves to straddle her on the couch.

"Oh and you're heavy," she counters feigning pain from the girl who weighs maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet.

Octavia hums as her lips touch ravens neck, "it's the high protein diet," she tells her before sharp wolf like canine teeth graze a pulse point and latch softly to suck and nip.

Raven squirms and can't help the small moan she releases, but manages to stop the roll of her hips just in time, "easy wild thing, we aren't done yet."

She can feel Octavia pout against her neck before she leans back and the serious conversation comes back. Fluid like the easy digs and tender love they go back and forth from per usual. Octavia rolls her eyes at ravens knowing smirk.

"You should have told us where you two were going."

Raven nods, "I know. Lexa knows too, we didn't want to worry anyone..." she sighs and runs a hand through her own hair, "I was just trying to help my friend."

Octavia nods sympathetically but eyes raven closely, "that's not all..."

Raven glances away, "no that's not the only reason," she admits.

"You're not sleeping well either, she hasn't woken you up, this has been for both of you."

Raven catches her eyes again before nodding, "we wanted to feel useful, I know I did. It's just, this whole thing feels like a bit of my fault? The attack, the kids, lexas pain. I played a part in it. I didn't... I could have done more."

"Hey," Octavia says soothingly cupping the back of her neck, "you did all you could babe. Without you the city would have fallen, without you Clarke and lexa would have saved kun but lost Zivas village. You _saved_ Kai, situ and Aden. Without you they would have been lost as well."

Raven looks away again nodding sadly but Octavia pulls her gaze back, "don't you ever feel like you're not enough raven reyes. You're more than anyone could ever ask for, selfless and pure. You have been through hell and come back with a badass brace and the ability to smile enough for an entire city." She leans in to kiss her passionately, "you're raven reyes, you don't know the strength you carry and..." she softly tucks a stray hair behind her ear, "you're my soulmate. So fuck everything else-"

She's cut off as Raven kisses her so fiercely they fall off the couch and land in a heap of laughter.

"Smooth move genius," Octavia smirks as she untangles them and helps raven stand up. "Here," she says tenderly as she scoops her up and carries her to the bed knowing she'd struggle without the brace.

Laying her softly against the furs Octavia can't help but follow her down, trailing kisses across her jaw then slowly down her neck.

Raven can't control her hips as they roll agains Octavia, the woman lands a thigh between her legs and presses perfectly where she feels a burning growing. Her hands clutch at the thin shirt nails of her pinky fingers digging into flesh she manages to find.

She whines when Octavia detached her mouth from her neck and the warrior smirks.

"Wait, wait. Before I forget, you promise to tell me next time you're going for a late night joyride?" Octavia asks in a rush, flustered and trying to remember she was supposed to be cross with Raven.

"Yes, god yes, as long as you promise to keep going."

Octavia smirks at the crack in ravens voice, "deal," and then she kisses her before guiding her hands under ravens shirt and to soft skin. Her fingertips graze over flexing sensitive ab muscles before scraping against ribs and pushing the shirt further up.

with the grace and speed of a trained warrior, Octavia smoothly, lifts raven enough to remove the garment and begin lacing kisses along her torso.

"O," raven squirms as hands roam, "please, take this off." She clutches at her girlfriends shirt desperate to feel her closer. It's been so long since there has been tenderness like this in their intimate moments; where it feels like they're taking deep breaths just filling their lungs with each other while they move.

Lately, it's been rushed, pushy and desperate with the need to feel each other, feel alive again, remind them they're still breathing. It's been passionate and needy since the attack, like under neath it all they feel they didn't have the time to revel in it.

Like they needed to have each other right then because they didn't know if they would have another chance and not like they need each other right now and don't need or want another chance because that moment right there would make it all worth it.

This is the latter.

This is different. This feels like they are stealing the time, taking back what's there's and connecting for the first time all over again.

To echo that, their gazes meet as Octavia leans back after ripping her own shirt off over her head, and everything stills.

Blue meets brown and the world stops for them.

"Rae," Octavia says raspy in a way that curls both their toes.

She's met with a slow kiss, lips pressed before her mouth is devoured and hands clutch again. "Let me love you," Octavia says against her lips before kissing her jaw line straight to ravens ear lobe. She nips and flicks before sighing, "let me show you how selfless I can be," she whispers with a playful sincerity before ravens moan takes over.

Octavia moves trailing kisses and nips along ravens shoulders, down her collar bones and then to taught nipples. Raven arches into her mouth, clutching at braided hair and rolling her hips again.

Octavia takes her time. She's needy but attentive in her ministrations. She's everywhere at once and no where raven really needs her. She's both playing with and savouring every sound and move the woman beneath her makes. playing her like an instrument perfectly tuned for her.

And she plays her so well.

Her lips find their way lower, caressing lines and muscles as hands fondle and press into pliant flesh. She grips at divots in ravens hips as she grinds into her eliciting another keening moan from both of them.

Eyes meet as Octavia begins to unlace and remove ravens boots with speed no one knew she possessed. Then she takes her sweet ass time crawling up once more, hands pressing teasingly along thighs, thumbs digging in the soft flesh beneath leather pants before she finally begins unlacing the ties at the front of ravens pants.

 _With her teeth._

"Oh sweet fucking Christ," raven rolls her eyes in the back of her head when she sees Octavia with leather clad ass in the air, her own pants already undone and pulling at the strings with her mouth.

Unless she wants to come without any touching at all she keeps her eyes closed until Finally she feels air on her thighs and core as her pants are pulled free.

"No panties," she hears a moaning admission and heady approval from Octavia, "you're so hot."

Raven can't help but moan again as she feels how slick she really is now her pants are history. It worsens as she feels her legs slowly being spread and she complies with a soft whimper that sounds like a plea.

If raven had a coherent thought other than how hit Octavia is right now she'd be embarrassed.

And then everything becomes a blur as the teasing is gone and a mouth is diving into her centre drinking her in like she's an oasis.

"Octavia!" Raven exclaims before her voice is stolen and her body responds to the attention.

Her hips roll against the tongue that's exploring her folds before it dives straight into her. The resulting moan she hears but didn't make, the one that came from the head between her legs, instantly makes her wetter than she's ever been in her life.

Octavias tongue drives into her over and over before travelling to the bundle of nerves and a single digit is slipping into her girlfriend. "Fuck Rae, I've never felt you this wet before," she moans between licks finding her eyes before they're gone again.

Raven is incoherent right now.

She tries to respond but finds her words choked and her eyes are rolling back again when Octavia reattached her mouth and pushed a second finger in.

"Please," she finally hears herself moan over the sounds of delicious lapping happening down south. She doesn't know what she's begging for but a second later she's certain Octavia does.

The wild thing curls her fingers when she hears what she wants and doubles her efforts with her tongue on ravens clit.

"Shit! There! Yes! O!" Is the responding shout, choked and muffled by furs being clutched to her face as raven uselessly tries to downplay the volume.

"Mmm," Octavia says pulling back while driving her fingers in deeper, "found your words I see." She cruelly slows her motions as ravens hips keep rolling, driving now uselessly to find release, "look at me Rae."

The hips stop moving, her eyes stay closed, a frustrated moan escapes her while hands keep clutching furs to her chest and mouth. Like she's trying to compose herself and follow Octavia's direction. She was that close to the edge that she is clawing to keep herself from falling.

And For a moment Octavia is caught off guard, she was so in control the moment she started worshipping raven that her beauty has stunned her into stillness.

With soft candlelight gracing lusciously caramel skin, hair askew, bare, vulnerable and spread open before her, raven takes Octavia's breath away. Blue eyes tear up as her heat swells, the warmth of her skin, the tight fluttering around her stilled fingers, the trembling, sweat glistening body beneath her causes Octavia to cry in a way she never had before. A soft pulled in breath as a tear escapes her has Octavia's heart and soul finally, fully, making the connection. She feels her soul physically reach out and encompass ravens own, feels it connect the broken pieces with ravens like puzzle pieces. The overwhelming affection that she can feel... and she knows she's home.

 _She sees her soul._

Raven looks exquisite, so ready to fall off the edge, about to break into pieces for Octavia that the warrior can't help but realize once again ravens being selfless. She's stilled except for her fluttering walls begging along with her racing heart to bring her to the stars, waiting patiently, giving everything to Octavia without her asking.

Waiting for her.

All for her.

Seeing her without looking. Knowing without having to listen.

"Rae," she says softly, smiling endearingly through tears as her free hand strokes her temple and cheek, "look at me."

And when chestnut glowing eyes meet watery blue, the chestnuts blink to release a tear as Octavia hears ravens voice in her head.

 _I see you too._

A shuddered breath is shared between them as Octavia melts for her. she knows in that moment that raven heard her thoughts moments before, she feels the connection as completely as Octavia, as though the world has indeed stopped for them. For right now.

Octavia nods with a small smile at their understanding, "I got you. Come here."

Her hands tenderize flesh, slowly resuming their movements inside her as she pulls raven closer with her free hand. She moves lithely pulling her into her lap while pressing deep and lovingly, curling fingers just so, making sure to make love to every inch of her as ravens head finds her neck and thighs brace around her hips and arms encircle her neck.

Octavia presses into her seven more times, Raven rolls her hips six before she comes undone in an exquisite beauty of curses and body convulsions she can't control.

And Octavia lovingly guides her through them all until they subside and they remain in place, only moving to properly hold onto each other.

There's no playful banter after, just soft tears and silent soulful 'welcome homes' before sleep takes them away in a sweet embrace that pales to what had just occurred.

* * *

Raven slept all night.

As she makes the realization, raven blinks through the early morning bleariness and pushes at the lump beside her on the bed.

She hears a groan and soft grunt but sees no movement.

She chuckles softly and pushes again this time a litter harder, unsure if she pushed torso or thigh. (Octavia's sleeping habits are as wild as she is.)

Another groan and a muffled threat later and the furs at the end of the bed ruffle before a head pokes out with a stern face attached.

Raven tilts her head and looks at the mass beside her still and then back to Octavia and just shakes her head smiling. "You know that's getting out of hand," she points out. "I never know if Im going to wake up with you're ass in my face or with your face in my face or the occasional foot in my mouth."

Octavia scoffs as she moves to rearrange herself properly on the bed and into ravens arms, "please, you love waking up with my ass in your face."

Raven shrugs as they comfortable with Octavia's head on her chest, "touché. It is your best asset."

That earns her a jab in the ribs before Octavia settles again, "it's too early for puns."

Raven hums in agreement as she brushes her hand along Octavia's arm.

"Hey," Octavia says suddenly, "you're here, it's morning and you're still here." She turns to catch ravens eye.

"Slept the whole night," raven says proudly.

Octavia grins lovingly, fingertips pressing into raven like a hug within a cuddle before a smirk takes over. "Don't know why you're so proud, feel like that was my hard work that did that."

Raven cackles and begins to tickle her side as Octavia squirms and squeaks, "so full of yourself for a tiny thing!"

They jostle a little more before following into soft gazes and smiles again.

"I love you," raven says brushing her nose against Octavia's.

"Ai hod yu in," Octavia responds softly before kissing her. "I'm glad we talked."

Raven smiles, "I'm glad too. We needed that. I needed that."

Octavia traces her finger tips along raven jaw, "I know. Next time we stop _actually_ talking, slap me." She grins as raven rolls her eyes, knowing that'd not ever be her route, nor at all successful.

"And lose my hand? No thanks." Raven jokes back before sighing and glancing away before tilting her head and softening her eyes. Once the puppy dog face is in place, she opens her mouth again, "while we are on the subject," She says slowly.

"Oh I like the sound of that," Octavia says dryly, before becoming serious. "What haven't you told me."

Raven looks like she's weighing things out "A bit."

Octavia just scowls, "spill it reyes."

 _Oh she's mad. Not the time to keep joking. Noted._

"Well, first, Clarke may or may not corner you into an emotional conversation that may or may not have been because I spilled the tea to her a little bit about things that may or may not have been about us..."

Octavia just cocks her brow expectantly, "you suck."

Raven nods and frowns, "yep. I may or may not have done that."

Then she stops nodding completely and there's a moment where Octavia can physically see the switch in her eye as she makes a decision.

"There's more…and you will be one of only three that know about this."

When Octavia leaves the room after hearing ravens other secret she is not thrilled and cautions raven only with a soft, "I hope you know what you're doing."


	10. NOTE

THIS FIC IS BEING CONTINUED ON AO3 SAME TITLE. YOU'RE BEHIND A FEW CHAPTERS IF YOUVE BEEN READING IT HERE ONLY.

I HATE THIS WEBSITES LAYOUT.

COME FIND ME.

HedaQueenslayer ao3

iQueenslayer on tumblr


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